When it came to stingy Princeton students, Chad was the stingiest. Stingy with time, money and kindness, he skulked around campus with a scowl on his face and no other goal but to trample on anyone who threatened his GPA. On the evening of Feb. 4, following a lengthy beration of his project partner Henry over what Chad called “the worst PowerPoint in history,” he flung himself into bed, cursing the incompetence of everyone around him.
After what seemed like just moments of sleep, he awoke to a rap at his door. He angrily yanked it open, only to find his freshman-year roommate clothed in tattered Princeton apparel and wrapped in ivy.
“What the — ” he stammered. “I thought you transferred to UMass!”
The apparition spoke: “When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul, discretion shall preserve thee and understanding shall keep thee!”
“Huh?”
“You need to tone it down, bro,” Chad’s ex-roomate explained. “I focused on grades, not education, while I was here, and now I am imprisoned by the ivy shackles I cultivated.”
Not impressed by this mixed methaphor, Chad merely shrugged.
“Suit yourself, dude,” his visitor said. “Tonight you will be visited by three spirits who will show you the error of your ways!” And with that, the spirit vanished.
Chad was confused, but shrugged it off as a side effect of U-Store lo mein too close to bedtime.
He hopped back into bed, only to be awakened moments later by a deafening roar. Before he even had time to register what was happening, a figure appeared at the foot of his bed. It was his OA leader, who said, after brushing the dirt off of her boots, “I am the Spirit of Semesters Past, and I have come to remind you of what used to be!”
Instantly, they found themselves standing in Murray-Dodge Cafe. Chad spotted himself among the crowd, two years younger and talking and laughing with a girl. His heart fluttered at the sight of his former love, but before he knew it the spirit had tugged his arm and he was back in his bed. The memory of the day he dumped her over a remark about his competitiveness came flooding back to him, but he refused to admit any wrongdoing.
He decided to get some reading done instead of going back to bed while he waited for his next visitor, but as soon as he opened his book, another figure materialized before him. This time, it was President Tilghman.
She said, “I am the Spirit of Semester Present! And … well, you know the drill.”
The spirit nodded her head and transported them to the room of Chad’s project partner. Henry was typing busily, and as Chad moved closer to the screen he saw that Henry was writing on the wall of a Facebook group titled “I bet I can find 100,000 people who hate Chad!” Members poured in, with people from all over campus joining in to air their grievances. Chad was barely moved.
“Whatever,” he said. “They’re all obviously jealous.”
The spirit shook her head and whisked him back to his room.
Moments later an icy wind blew, and a hooded figure materialized in the moonlight.
“Grim reaper — very creative,” Chad said, rolling his eyes.
Just then, however, he caught a glimpse of the monogram on the spirit’s robe: “N.M.”
His blood turned cold as he realized who it was.
“No! No, It can’t be! Grade Defl—,” but before he could complete his terrified utterance, he was standing in the middle of a well-furnished office. A luxurious leather chair swiveled around to reveal none other than Henry, now the CEO of his own company.
Chad glanced nervously at the spirit as the office door swung open, and a man carrying a huge stack of coffees and bagels stumbled in. “Look at him,” the spirit said. “His selfishness got him fired from his dream job, and he’s been blackballed in the industry. Henry hired him as a favor.”
Chad wasn’t prepared for what he saw when the man put down his load. He watched himself, hunched and exhausted, serving coffee to his former classmate.
“Nooo!” he cried, as the room dissolved around him.
Sweating, back in his bed at Princeton, he vowed to change his ways in this new semester to alter what he’d seen.
So, if you noticed a strange wind blowing through the ivy last night, you may have been a witness to the awakening of a greed-deadened soul. Whether you have seven semesters left or just one, incline your ears to hear the tale and heed the message of the spirits of Princeton, lest your own self-aggrandizement lead you to a similar fate.
Sophia LeMaire is a mechanical and aerospace engineering major from Longmeadow, Mass. She can be reached at slemaire@princeton.edu.
Want to write for opinion? Apply online! We are accepting applications until Feb. 12.
Read More
Why can’t lecturers win the President’s Award for Distinguished Teaching?
Jerry ZhuLet’s acknowledge those who make “boutique teaching” possible, those who work tirelessly to make our rigorous curricula more accessible, and those who dedicate their time to advising and guiding us through all the challenges we face at this University. Lecturers should be eligible for the President’s Award for Distinguished Teaching.
Let’s acknowledge those who make “boutique teaching” possible, those who work tirelessly to make our rigorous curricula more accessible, and those who dedicate their time to advising and guiding us through all the challenges we face at this University. Lecturers should be eligible for the President’s Award for Distinguished Teaching.
Princeton’s administration of justice is Trumpian
Frances BroganThe disparity between the University’s approach to Giberson and its approach to pro-Palestinian protestors reflects a concerning trend of appeasing an increasingly emboldened right rather than resisting the threat it poses to academic freedom and the wellbeing of Princeton students.
Secular Opening Exercises? Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water
Frank StrasburgerThe secular makes no room for the spiritual. What Opening Exercises are meant to convey is the spirit of the institution so that it may be kept alive from generation to generation.
The secular makes no room for the spiritual. What Opening Exercises are meant to convey is the spirit of the institution so that it may be kept alive from generation to generation.
