And yet hardly a word is spoken, either by the University or among students, about preparing members of this generation for participation in the most important social institutions of all: marriage and family.
Now, before I continue, I have to address the 800-pound gorilla in the room. I hope that the reader will join me in placing to one side the issue of same-sex marriage for the duration of this column. One need not, it seems to me, commit to a particular conception of marriage to agree with the very narrow claim that I make in this column: that committed adult relationships and stable families are an important aspect of a healthy society. Thus, any language in this column that may seem “heteronormative” should not be construed as exclusive or as a political statement, but merely as recognition of the dominant manner in which marriage has been, and continues to be, practiced in this country.
The habits and character traits that make for a successful marriage cannot be trusted to simply appear out of nothing when the vows are spoken. Rather, they must be cultivated over the course of a lifetime, and particularly in the young adult years as maturity sinks in and relationships become more serious. The virtues of commitment, sacrifice and selflessness that are so crucial to sustaining a marriage through the trials of a lifelong relationship are not exclusive to married life; they can, and must, be habituated long before rings are exchanged.
Now, these might seem like little more than the rambling unsubstantiated theories of a retrograde traditionalist. What could I, as an unmarried 21-year-old college senior, possibly know about the trials of married life and how to negotiate them? But it’s not a question of what I know. It’s a question of what is known: a question of what is true of marriage as revealed by sociological evidence.
On Oct. 14, Professor W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the nonpartisan, nonsectarian National Marriage Project (NMP) at the University of Virginia and recently tenured professor of sociology at that university, spoke about “what makes for marital success in contemporary America.” Wilcox argued that his and other scholars’ research shows that exclusive dating relationships, free from sexual activity and cohabitation, engrain the habits that make for marital success. But we need not get bogged down in the specifics to understand the primary, unassailable point: What we do now, in these years marked by many as a time of independence free from the responsibilities and consequences that mark (or mar) adult life, does have ramifications for our later happiness and social responsibilities.
Some might question the social importance of stable marriages and families. Whether or not the Smiths across the street get a divorce has no effect on the quality of my relationship or my family, so why should I care? Furthermore, what is it to you if my habits and behaviors make my marriage less likely to succeed? And perhaps most to the point, what business is it of the University whether I have a stable lifelong marriage years after my time at Princeton has ended?
A few decades ago no one would have bothered to ask these questions; the answers were thought obvious. These traditional assumptions have now been replaced by scholarly evidence, and the result is the same. According to a Boston Globe profile of Wilcox and his field in sociology, the research shows that “children not raised by their married mother and father are more likely to drop out of high school, be depressed and even commit suicide. Boys from broken homes are more likely to end up in jail; and girls more likely to be teen mothers.” Furthermore, according to Wilcox and the National Marriage Project (NMP), children whose parents divorce are more likely to, in turn, have unsuccessful marriages. Children will always be born if society is to continue; if it is to be healthy, then stable marriages are vital.
And so we cannot relegate marriage to that growing box marked “private” where other people and the University cannot legitimately have their word. Indeed, quite the opposite. Marriage is of such social importance that, if the unofficial motto “Princeton in the nation’s service” is to have any value, then preparing young people for marriage and family life is crucial.
I don’t know precisely how to accomplish this, but a conversation ought to be started. Marriage should be removed from the ranks of the politically taboo and returned to its position as the foundation of a healthy society. As such, both the University and individual students have the responsibility to consider marital stability when making policy and personal decisions.
Brandon McGinley is a politics major from Pittsburgh. He can be reached at bmcginle@princeton.edu.
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