There it is, not only a nifty curve, but the basis of Princeton grading, proof of the professor’s fairness, the catcher of intellectual fat-cats and the filter of the academic lower class, all in one curve.
Unleashed onto students after important exams, curves are Princeton’s towering trophies of academic engineering, putting everybody in their spot on the only hierarchy the whole school really cares about. Forget about getting into eating clubs, frats, sororities or secret societies: The real battle is in the classrooms, the study halls and the computer clusters. The professors and preceptors are the only ones you need to impress. “Show us the best you can do! The higher you are on the curve, the more we love you!” So just listen to the Curve, and win over the crowd.
The Curve says that one incontrovertible way you can do better is if the people around you do worse. Sure, the Curve tells you to study, but it also says to work with others only if it’s going to help you, and to trample over anyone who gets in the way. “No free lunch!” says the Curve. Someone gives you problem three, you give him problem five. If you don’t have anything to give, see if you can trade some passes to the Street for an answer. If he has nothing to trade, brush him off; tell him the problem, “is easy, if you get the trick. Once you get the trick, it practically solves itself.” That’s all! Don’t tell him more. If you are attractive, spot the hardest-working and loneliest looking kid in the class and charm him or her. The Curve says, “Use others!” Tell them you would “love (!)” to do the group projects together. If you aren’t attractive, don’t worry. It’s good for you. Suck it up, lock yourself in the room, and study, says the Curve.
The Curve says when somebody asks you how studying is going for the test, put your hands on your cheeks and pull down your face, then tell them, “It’s going terribly! I’m soo screwed. Like, I totally don’t know half the material.” They must underestimate you and overestimate themselves, says the Curve. If they ask you if you’re going out, you should say “YES! Totally. Tonight’s going to be so much fun! I’ll see you out? OK, awesome!” And then stay home and study while they party. The Curve says, if you go out, ask your friends if they finished their papers or problem sets. Know where your friends are, what they’re doing. If they tell you that they have to go back home and study, tell them to “Stay!” Be funny, give them a good time, get them a beer, make them stay for hours! The Curve says, serving alcohol to minors is OK if it helps your GPA. Almost anything goes, if it helps your GPA, but don’t cheat! Don’t you dare cheat!
The Curve really can get in your mind. It’s a silent devil that lurks in our campus threatening our interactions with each other. I feel it sometimes when I am doing a problem set in a group study room where three semi-strangers are obviously doing the same thing as a group. There are a few parts in the problem set that I don’t get, but some assistance will get me back on track. Why not I just ask these guys a couple of quick questions? A simple favor really. But see, the guys are all hunched over, working quietly, only occasionally discussing the parts they don’t get. They’re obviously avoiding eye contact. It feels like the middle school lunch hall all over again or a night at the Street leaning against a wall and wondering how the hell you’re going to introduce yourself to a group of young ladies who are all wearing the same color.
It’s important to reflect on just how much the Curve can alter our social and academic interactions at Princeton. Make sure to shut that sucker up. Neither the Curve nor I really knows what will come from helping a fellow classmate. Don’t think of it as community service or somebody taking away your precious time. Think of it as a blind investment in the future, another Facebook friend to add to the 949 other friends you sort of know, another Princetonian you nod your head at in passing, and the next time you’re in need of a small favor that will go a long way, you will have somebody to look to.
Arda Bozyigit is an operations research and financial engineering major from Ankara, Turkey. He can be reached at abozyigi@princeton.edu.
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