Bliatt ’97: Welcome, everyone. We’re all so glad you could make it to today’s conference. I see that my rainmaking machine didn’t deter any of my townie fans in the back. Yes, hey to you, too, Frank. Please put your shirt back on. And with that, I’ll take the first question. You, young man to the right.
Young man to the right: Thank you, Ms. Bliatt. It’s an honor to ask a question. I was wondering how the University is dealing with the current economic crisis, in view of the plunging economy. How will this affect students?
Bliatt ’97: What a great question. Let me just say first of all that the University is quite well-positioned to weather current difficulties. Though we have only a very rough idea of how the endowment is doing, we believe that it remains humongous. I will emphasize that we are making very tough choices in order to meet our goal of spending endowed funds only on Prospect Garden. To accomplish this, we have deeply cut our snack budget, stopped maintaining most upper-class dormitories and returned the new Ferris wheel we planned to install in the Whitman College courtyard to Toys “R” Us. We will also be laying off all our cooks and groundskeepers. At the same time, I say this loud and clear: Students will not be affected in any way.
Young man to the right (agitated): But Ms. Bliatt, what about the 300 courses cut from next semester’s listings?
Bliatt ’97 (laughs): Oh, young man to the right, that’s a good one. But seriously, even if that were true, which I will not comment on, I would caution against reading too much into it — or continuing this line of questioning. Next question! Yes, you back there (points).
You back there: Ms. Bliatt, as a vulnerable young woman who enjoys walking outside alone between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m., I’m very concerned about recent incidents involving the masturbator.
Bliatt ’97: Do you have a question, or just feelings?
You back there: Am I safe?
Bliatt ’97: Unequivocally. Princeton University is committed to providing a campus environment that is accessible and, at the same time, safe and secure.
You back there: So the masturbator has been caught, then.
Bliatt ’97: Mmmmm ... Due to privacy concerns I can’t comment, but Public Safety has stepped up foot patrols and hopes that this situation doesn’t get out of hand. If you do see a masturbator, though, please run to the nearest blue light and just stand there — someone will help you, probably. I can’t be sure because no one has actually ever tried the system. Next question. Yes, auditor in the front.
Auditor in the front: Thank you. I know I’m not supposed to speak, but I can’t help remembering when I was a young woman and Franklin Roosevelt came to town for a ticker-tape parade. He was so tall and handsome, in that motor coach of his on stage and the polio. My mother, Maude, she always used to say —
Bliatt ’97 (impatiently): Your question?
Auditor in the front: Oh, of course, sorry. I heard something about draconian punishments for violations of academic integrity. Last week, after class, I think I may have gone drinking with a minor. I am terrified of the Committee on Discipline. What are the chances that I’ll be suspended for a year?
Bliatt ’97: I cannot comment on individual cases. However, since you are not a student, literally nothing can happen to you. Please just don’t fall while on University property. Next question! Over there, you with the ugly glasses.
Ugly glasses: Hi, Ms. Bliatt, I’m a reporter for The Daily Princetonian —
Bliatt ’97: — I’m sorry, the Daily what?
Ugly glasses: Princetonian. You know, the school newspaper of record? Well, anyway. How is the University addressing the recent cases of whooping cough, and are we prepared for a campus outbreak of swine flu?
Bliatt ’97: I’m glad you brought that up. The Class of 2013 is drawn from the most diverse group of outstanding young scholars ever. Of those offered admission, 135 percent will receive financial aid. The male/female ratio is a perfect 1:1. Our admits hail from all 50 states, plus one from Idaho. One of our Antarctic applicants has never even been to school because she is a penguin! And we accepted only 10 WASPs.
(Audience murmurs approval.)
Ugly glasses (exasperated): But you didn’t answer my question at all!
Bliatt ’97: Didn’t I? Oh, I’m so sorry, but that’s all the time we have for today. Thank you all so much for coming and posing such thoughtful questions! Bye-bye, now.
Matt Kandel is an economics major from Boca Raton, Fla. He can be reached at mkandel@princeton.edu.
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