The list to follow is the highlights of the more outstanding crime reports gathered from the crime logs of the past week.
Wright Hall, March 9, 4:02 a.m. Several students reported that they were awoken by an intoxicated man wearing solely a poncho who had managed to unlock their doors. Officers interviewed a number of students. Students collectively reported that the man yelled a few syllables incoherently, wandered/looked around the room, and abruptly left. The Department of Public Safety (DPS) later found that fire inspector Ken Paulaski had doubled his shift and had imbibed alcoholic beverages. Report filed; case referred.
USG Office, March 6, 11:09 p.m. A student affiliated with the USG reported that it seemed there was too much “wine” at a USG-affiliated party, and it was causing a disturbance. Officers dispatched to the scene. Officers found that the caller actually said too much “Wein.” Former USG president Weinstein and current vice president Weinberg were in attendance. Compelled to pun, officers told the caller to stop whining. Report filed; case closed.
Firestone Library, March 2, 2:15 p.m. A student working on his thesis reported a great deal of noise in the B level of Firestone Library originating from the staff lounge. Officers dispatched to the scene to issue a noise complaint found that the lounge was under renovation by a construction crew. Officers told the student to get over himself. Report filed; investigation to continue.
Forbes College, March 4, 6:01 p.m. A student called to report a robbery in the dining hall. Student told the dispatcher that all the trays were missing and that this caused a large inconvenience for students. Dispatcher instructed the student to investigate how upperclassmen in an eating club cope with the problem everyday. Report filed, investigation to continue.
McCosh Hall, March 3, 11:11 a.m. A University faculty member reported several students’ faces injured by laptop use during class. Ambulance dispatched to the scene carried the students to McCosh Health Center. Upon investigation injuries were attributed to students eyes glued to fmylife.com. Report filed; case referred.
Prospect Garden, March 4, 7:46 p.m. A student reported an immobile squirrel. Ambulance dispatched to the scene found an overly obese squirrel whose feet could not touch the ground. Squirrel was brought to McCosh for stomach pumping. After the incident, McCosh produced more “Healthy Eating” flyers to address the rise in squirrel binge-eating disorders. Report filed; case referred.
Whitman College, March 6, 5:58 p.m. A student reported that it appeared as if Elvis was being served for dinner. Officers dispatched to the scene found that it was actually a pig with sunglasses. Report filed; case closed.
1915 Hall, March 1, 11:05 a.m. A student reported the theft of his bicycle. Officers dispatched to the scene. Upon arrival at the scene, the officers received a lengthy description of the bicycle. After a few seconds, the officers interrupted the student and told him of the new DPS bike theft policy: because of the high number of bicycle thefts, Public safety simply did not care anymore. Report filed; case closed.
Prospect Street, March 8, 1:14 a.m. A student reported constant harassment by male students at multiple eating clubs throughout the night. Officers dispatched to the scene. Upon arrival, the officers escorted the student back to her room. When officers learned the student was Laura Breckenridge ’10, an actress on the TV show “Gossip Girl,” officers attempted to redefine the previous meaning of police “escort.” Officers were suspended indefinitely. Report filed; investigation to continue.
Spelman Halls, March 7, 12:40 a.m. A number of students student filed complaints with DPS administration criticizing the delay between the first report of a man carrying an assault rifle and the campus alert issued 80 minutes later. DPS initiated a department investigation. Investigation revealed that the delay was linked to the DPS dispatcher’s busy reading of fmylife.com. Dispatcher was subsequently fired. Report filed; case closed.
Ben Chen is a mechanical and aerospace engineering major from Los Altos, Calif. He can be reached at bc@princeton.edu.
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