Admitting to suffering from a psychological illness is never easy. Even in today’s society, mental illness continues to play second fiddle to other types of illnesses — perhaps because the symptoms of mental illness are not as obviously recognizable as “real” ailments. At various times over the past few years, I’ve had people tell me to just “pull myself together” and that it was “all just in my head.” The advice might have been well-intentioned, but it merely reinforced for me the idea that mental illness wasn’t real — it was just a manifestation of an emotional weakness that would go away if I “toughened up.”
As a male, one of the largest hurdles to jump was the perception that eating disorders are a “women’s problem.” I was perennially worried that I’d be laughed at for even suggesting that I might have a clinical problem, let alone seeking treatment. I assumed others would simply chalk my condition up to my having an overdeveloped sense of vanity.
The reality, however, is that significant numbers of men suffer from eating disorders. Regarding the comparison made most often — how many men suffer from eating disorders compared to women — a 2001 study estimates that one male is diagnosed with full or partial syndrome anorexia (or bulimia) for every 2.0 (or 2.9) females diagnosed. And evidence from the 2007 National Comorbidity Survey Replication — a mental health survey of nearly 9,000 adults in the United States — suggests that up to 25 percent of adults suffering from eating disorders are male. Given the secretiveness and shame associated with eating disorders, and since health professionals often do not expect to see eating disorders in males, many cases probably are not reported or go misdiagnosed.
Unsurprisingly, gay males are over-represented in many samples of eating-disordered men. Several studies estimate that gay males are at least twice as likely to suffer from eating disorders as their straight counterparts — a 2008 study from Johns Hopkins, for one, suggests that gay men represent 42 percent of the male eating-disordered population.
Strangely, even once I found out these facts, they offered me no element of solace — I was reluctant to align myself with something that would chip even further away at my masculinity. I might be gay, but I’m not “that gay!”
Between 2004 and 2006, I would regularly skip one and sometimes two meals a day. I started smoking regularly and would exercise compulsively to the point of exhaustion. During this period, people would comment that I was looking skeletally thin and that I needed to eat more. But I knew they couldn’t possibly be right: I looked at my body every morning in the mirror, and my eyes confirmed for me that I was overweight — how could I disbelieve my own senses? In late 2005, I became severely depressed, and, at the urging of my friends, I sought counseling. It was during this process that I came to see my condition for what it was.
I continued to receive counseling right up until the time I left for Princeton to commence my Ph.D. studies. My program of counseling was aimed more at developing techniques to cope with my condition than at finding a magic cure. To this day, when I look in the mirror, I continue to perceive myself as being fat, though at six feet, four inches and 175 pounds, I know this can’t be true. My gut instinct is still to avoid eating. I am not cured. Each day I have to convince myself that the image I see is a distortion — that my body shape is really normal. Some days this is easier than others. Since I started treatment, I’ve gained 35 pounds.
In my case, my illness constituted just one of the many challenges which we all tackle —and eventually overcome — in the course of our lives. Distressingly, however, not everyone makes it to the other side. A good friend of mine, who was diagnosed at the same time I was, eventually found her life itself to be too overwhelming. She took her life a few months after I came to Princeton.
Last week, The Daily Princetonian featured an article about eating disorders at Princeton. I write this to share a tidbit from my own experience and in the hope that it will help remove, just a little, the taboo of mental illness.
Giri Parameswaran is a graduate student in economics. He can be reached at gparames@princeton.edu.
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