Recently I was having lunch with some of my usual mealtime acquaintances when the conversation turned to the content of that day’s Daily Princetonian, as often happens when someone leaves a copy of it lying open on the table next to where we’re sitting and there’s nothing else to talk about. This particular edition contained a well-known feature of the Street section called “Ask the Sexpert,” which, if you’re not familiar, is an advice column featuring completely normal and not-made-up letters from students looking for guidance in their romantic lives. Interestingly, one of my fellow lunchers pointed out that the Sexpert often answers queries from students who aren’t necessarily asking about sex, dating or relationships, but merely need help dealing with an awkward situation in their lives.
And it occurred to me that perhaps the ‘Sexpert’ is not the right person to be answering these questions. They may be an expert on sex, as the portmanteau suggests, but what some of these starry-eyed and possibly-real epistolers need is an expert on awkward situations — an Awkspert, if you will. Such an Awkspert could provide counseling on a wide spectrum of uncomfortable circumstances, not just those that occasionally crop up in the Sexpert’s column, but dilemmas that plague other hopelessly awkward folk in every avenue of Princeton life. So where will we find a qualified Awkspert — someone with the regrettable experience and unenviable knowledge that can only come from a long life of consistent public ineptitude? What brilliant and benevolent (yet modest) wordsmith can fill this void? Millions of socially clumsy readers are calling! Who will answer?
Never fear, dear reader. For here I am. I, the Awkspert, offer up my impressive resume of ungraceful personal experiences to the nation’s service and the service of all nations. Let us begin.
Dear Awkspert,
I’ve been seeing this girl lately, and I really like her. Problem is, she’s really good friends with my ex-girlfriend. I want to pursue a relationship, but I’m not sure what to do, since hanging out with her inevitably means running into my ex. Can you help me?
—Ex Marks the Spot
Dear Spot,
This is an easy one. All you need to do is put an end to their friendship. Then you’re home free. Learn to work slander into daily conversation with the girl you like. Start small: “Ooh, I like your earrings. You know, it’s weird, [ex’s name] always said you look like a cheap whore in those, but I disagree.” Then work your way up: “Yeah, I remember when [ex’s name] and I were dating and she told me how she bought a puppy and named it after you so she could take it out in the street and shoot it.” Sure, you’ll be a terrible terrible person and your conscience will haunt you forever, but love makes us all do crazy things.
—The Awkspert
Dear Awkspert,
The other night, I accidentally drunk-texted “hey babe sup i’m wasted lets hang out” to the girl I like. Now I feel like an idiot. What should I do?
—Messaged with the Bottle
Dear Messaged,
Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. Or at least I have. You’re right to feel like an idiot. Here’s what you do: Nothing. Unless she mentions it to you, in which case tell her that one of your friends got a hold of the phone and was messing around. She will know you’re lying, but that’s OK, because if she’s into you she won’t care and if not, you weren’t getting anywhere with that anyway.
—The Awkspert
Dear Awkspert,
I don’t want to room with my roommates next year. Room draw is coming up, and I still haven’t mentioned it. How do I tell them?
—Not Assuming We’re Rooming
Dear Rooming,
This is simple. Rather than simply be honest and straightforward with them, you can avoid all that nasty face-to-face confrontation stuff by becoming the worst roommate ever, making them think it’s their idea that you shouldn’t live with them next year. There are many ways to accomplish this; I suggest leaving your laundry everywhere, borrowing their personal items such as clothes and toothbrushes and, if necessary, defecating in the shower.
—The Awkspert
Dear Awkspert,
Do you have any tips for discussing meaningful and relevant topics with clear, concise language?
—Column Like I See ’Em
Dear Column,
Seriously? I write for the ‘Prince.’ I can’t help you with that.
—The Awkspert
Dear Awkspert,
Hey, it’s me again. Um, so I might have also texted “hey babe sup i’m wasted lets hang out” to my mom. Any more advice?
—Messaged with the Bottle
Dear Messaged,
Same answer.
—The Awkspert
Dear Awkspert,
Recently, I made out with this guy at a party, but it was a huge mistake. I don’t really like him that much, but he keeps texting and IMing me. How can I make him understand what happened was completely stupid and will never, ever, ever happen again?
—Avoid the Annoyed
Dear Annoyed,
OK, fine. I get it, all right? I’ll leave you alone.
—The Awkspert
Brandon Lowden is an electrical engineering major from McKees Rocks, Pa. He can be reached at blowden@princeton.edu.
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