If Princeton listened to 'Prince' columnists

By Carry Baro, columnist

The revolution is here, and it was written in advance. For years our insurgent group has been recruiting and building under the guise of columnists for The Daily Princetonian. Now that we have overthrown the Tilghman administration, we can now begin to put in place the ideas we have laid out this year. Hope you didn’t ignore our columns — because we’re about to make them all come true!

Bullshit should ergo, concordantly, vis-a-vis with my previous explanation be celebrated as an integral part of the campus discourse because it is my prerogative to ensure that my own opinion and your opinion be heard so that we can asymptotically ensure that the cultural implications of a paternalistic, heteronormative society… Oh yeah and: Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit. By the way, we call B.S. on ourselves, because we were only advertising our ignorance before.

Our next order of business will be to create a chastity center, No, not a support group for freshman guys, but a place to weather the storm; this would in no way be similar to a having a KKK center on campus or providing institutional support for a Neo-Nazi group. We would then immediately disband the center, because, after all, it could never be a constructive and equal partner in contributing to Princeton’s pluralistic community.

We will then abolish distribution requirements because they are a frustrating anachronism, abolish gut science and engineering courses so that A.B. students can’t get out of their ST requirements, create English classes on Dr. Seuss so that engineers can easily evade their requirements and remake Princeton’s curriculum in the image of Columbia’s Core model. Don’t worry, it’ll all make sense when we’re done tweaking things.

Princeton students will be made to care much more about money. The “major choices” program should be remade into the “how much money can I expect to make from each of my major choices?” program, which would not be a radical departure from our cherished traditions. This will easily coexist with the now mandatory HUM sequence, which is after all Princeton’s best method of introducing its undergraduates to 26 centuries of the Western canon and aims for human excellence.

We will call Ivy, Cottage and TI exclusive and heartless and then wonder why they’re mad at us. Because the eating clubs’ PR skills rival those of the USG, they will completely screw up their response.

The Woodrow Wilson School is in for a ton of changes. On day one (so, err, today) we’re going to make Woody Woo non-selective. On day two we’re going to stop people from asking what Woody Woo can do for their resume, because the answer will now be: zero.

We will definitely not resist the urge to mock the USG, which we will, incidentally, liquidate. We are the true voice of the student body, bitches! And despite our takeover, the editorial board will continue to demand more student input in major decisions.

Josh Weinstein will successfully Third Floor Bicker the Editorial Board. They will swallow, and then spend all year complaining about the taste. They will then definitely make sure not to do the same thing with Connor Diemand-Yauman next year, only to find themselves lost in his deep, dreamy eyes as he waxes poetic about COMBO II, which has to be worth at least 8,500 words of content next year. Aww, I guess he’s a nice guy…

Speaking of COMBO, we will never be able to stop speaking about COMBO and wringing our hands over COMBO and planning more COMBOs. What do you mean nobody cares about COMBO? This is important guys! Why won’t anyone listen to us, we’re super serial!

Michael Scharf ’64 will be promoted from his current position of “random alum who likes to yell at those darn youngins’ ” to the head of Public Safety because … I mean, have you ever actually read his letters? They’re amazing! Everybody could use more Michael Scharf in their lives.

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The reach of our new regime will not be limited to campus, either. Labyrinth, we’re coming to getcha. You see, you made a big mistake. You made students ask for their textbooks from an employee. That is pretty much the worst thing anyone has ever done since the Holocaust. So you better completely change your business model, or else we might grumble for a semester and eventually get used to the new system.

Most of all, we will dramatically raise the level of whining on campus. We will bitch about having to wake up early to sign up for classes, our work, the P/D/F policy, reading period, Whitman, work again, the academic calendar, having to do work, not getting enough financial aid, the residential colleges, school work, the Anscombe Society/dirty gay sex, the administration’s latest atrocity and students who can’t stop complaining about how hard their lives are. Because if there’s one thing we columnists know, it’s that the school needs a lot more complaining about how hard everyone’s life is.

Our columnists are whiny and come from all over the United States and parts of the world. No one listens to them, but you can flame them online in the comments section if you like.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.