Not so fast, Nancy Reagan. In the spirit of Jay-Z's Young Gunz, students everywhere can't stop and won't stop. Recently, some 130 college presidents have recognized this and formed the "Amethyst Initiative," calling for our nation to consider lowering the drinking age to 18. And you, the underage drinker, find it only fair. After all, shouldn't newly minted adults be able to buy a beer with their first lottery ticket? If they're allowed to run up millions in debt and go bankrupt, aren't they entitled to drink away their sorrow?
Absolutely not. As someone who recently turned 21, I can tell you with confidence that this is the worst idea of all time. Worse than when Klara Hitler decided to have a baby; worse than slavery; and yes, worse than grade deflation. Oh, I know you're salivating at the prospect of Wilson-College-sponsored booze cruises and Gatsby parties on the Forbes veranda. And it would indeed be fun to hold your favorite (or least favorite) professor's legs up for a keg stand. But when you consider the apocalyptic consequences, I think you'll reconsider.
To start with, Amethyst would knock you down at least one quintile. Without the allure of illicit alcohol attainment, procuring alcohol will no longer be naughty. No naughty, no fun. No fun, less drinking. Less drinking, more working. More working, do better. We all do better, worse curve. Worse curve, lower grades. And so it goes.
You value your GPA, but do you like room parties? Of course you do. Well, Amethyst would end them. Everybody knows that room parties are where some of the best loud, sweaty and illicit underage drinking goes on, in addition to dormitory destruction and rampant fire-code violations. Room parties are a refuge from the eating clubs that won't serve you and a testament to your ingenuity and strength of heart. Without the need for this beacon of hope, everyone will just go to Ivy Inn, and you'll lose the reason to own half your wardrobe along with your pride.
Then there are the economic consequences. If you feel badly throwing hardworking Americans out of jobs, consider the Public Safety officers who would lose theirs post-Amethyst. No more high stakes "dorm patrols" in search of "noise complaints." No more Law-and-Order interrogations as you lug a case of Beast up to your room. Princeton will have no choice but to downsize its police force and may even sell off some of those neat new electronic tricycles I've seen Public Safety using lately. Who could condone that? (By the way, Officer, my 3-year-old cousin called; he wants his trike back.)
The Amethyst crisis will affect more than just Public Safety. Princeton Borough will file for bankruptcy as the flow of public urination tickets slows to a trickle. Eating club officers will suffer from fewer arrests. The Borough will be forced to axe its police force, and then nobody in the area will have guns, causing violent crime to spike and Will Scharf '08 to write many more comments on The Daily Princetonian's website. Student attacks on nurses will join the Nude Olympics as fodder for stories at Reunions. Garbage pickup will end; raw sewage will flow through the streets; Princeton will resemble New Haven. Do you not see? Amethyst would ruin everything!
Then there's the fairness bit. I had to wait until I was 21; therefore, so should you. Though drinking might be a little less fun now, it's compensation enough to flaunt my horizontal ID, making underage friends jealous and bouncers miserable as I dash their hopes of violently turning me away.
According to the initiative's website, "amethyst" is Greek for "not intoxicated." It's also an uninspiring purple rock. If I were you, I'd hold out for something cooler, like "diamond" or "stalactite." Because as Tilghman indicated, this thing has no chance. That sounds about right.
Matt Kandel is an economics major from Boca Raton, Fla. He can be reached at mkandel@princeton.edu.
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