Listen up, Forbes. I'm a Holder athlete. You've got nothing on me. I have the dubious honor of living in the dorm room that is the furthest on campus from the track: 14th entryway of Holder, top floor. Let's do a visual demonstration. Look at a campus map. Draw a very long diagonal line from the upper left corner to the lower right corner. Then draw lots of sad faces on both sides of the line, because that's how I feel when I'm walking down this path to the track.
People tell me, "you're a track athlete! You should just run down there!" Yeah, sure. Let me just set up hurdles outside Frist Campus Center while I'm at it. That way I can be done with my workout by the time I get down to the track. I'm sure Public Safety would love that. Anyway, what if some hooligans tried to steal my hurdles? I would hunt them down. And bench press them. And make them watch me hurdle.
We Holder athletes may seem like an ordinary bunch when you see us on campus, but don't be fooled. We start to twitch in an angry way when the Mathey athletes whine, and we sometimes fantasize about living in Wilson - yes, the very same residential college that tour guides do their utmost to avoid. Holder athletes are particularly notorious for their tendency to stare enviously at the students on crutches who whiz around in golf carts. "Alas!" we sigh, for Holder athletes also enjoy using antiquated words like alas. "Alas, if only I could break both of my legs!" We are so caught up in our envy that we don't even bother to think through the logic of that statement. Who really needs legs, anyway?
But even golf carts take too long. I want something fast. Come on, Princeton, don't we have the biggest per-student endowment in the country? I demand a helicopter. Or, at the very least, a monorail, complete with Disney music and a dean dressed up in a character costume to greet me when I reach Jadwin. One of our esteemed administrators in a Captain Jack Sparrow costume would be nice, though I wouldn't be opposed to shelling out a bit more of that endowment for the real Johnny Depp. Somehow, the thought of Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel in a black beaded beard yelling about parley is not quite as appealing. "But why is more than 35 percent of the rum gone?!" she shouts in a most distraught manner. Maybe you should have thought of that before declaring war on the eating clubs, Captain Malkiel.
But I digress. Our unbearably long walk to the athletic facilities impacts us in ways that the ordinary student would not dream possible. In fact, statistics show that Holder athletes are doomed for the rest of their lives. They are 123.45 percent less likely than other athletes to be hired by I-banking firms, for in the words of Mr. Morgan Stanley himself, "They just live, like, so far away!" Mr. J.P. Morgan and Mr. Golden-Boy Sachs nod their agreement in the background. Holder athletes are also 1,000 percent more likely to get bitten by a squirrel on their way to the track and one million percent more likely to be eaten by lost, hungry tourists. These statistics are 99 percent reliable, though there's a 95 percent chance I made them up 30 seconds ago.
So while the average Princeton student may be focused on ending poverty, curing cancer or quieting the angry Forbesians, I urge you to consider a far more worthy and urgent cause. Please help save a Holder athlete. Contact us at savelazyholderathletes.lol or 1-800-WHYISJADWINSOFAR - it'll fit, just dial really fast. We're counting on your call. For just a million dollars a day, you can save a Holder athlete from being late to practice. Each time you donate, you'll receive a picture of the athlete whose laziness was preserved thanks to your generous gift. Cash only, please. You can just slip it right under the door to my room. You know where to find me - just start at the track and walk away from it, very far away from it. Don't delay, save athletes today!
Christine Brozynski is a sophomore from Mendham, N.J. and can be reached at cbrozyns@princeton.edu.
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