A habit you can't shake

Luckily, I don't.

I didn't always turn to foreign substances when I needed to take my mind off stress and work. But seriously, like, Princeton is so hard. It's like totally the hardest thing ever. And I can't slow down or I won't have the time I need to finish all my work while I complain to everyone else, since no one here could possibly be as busy as I am. Sometimes I need a little boost to help me focus when I study. And nothing helps me focus better than a delicious, creamy milkshake.

Though our local Wawa has sold the f'Real! brand milkshakes, complete with their own special in-store blender, for quite some time, the Wa isn't close enough to my usual study hangouts for its frozen delights to be habit-forming. But when the folks at Frist, those reckless enablers, installed a f'Real! station in the new C-Store this semester, I began to find myself battling temptation - and giving in - almost daily.

It wasn't bad at the beginning. When I first saw the shiny machine with its whirring motors and blinking lights, I thought, "A whole $2.50 for a pre-processed shake? That's nothing special." But when the company unveiled its new limited-edition cookies-and-cream flavor a few weeks later, how could I resist? One of my favorite flavors of ice cream - second only to mint chocolate chip - for only $2.50. What a bargain! It wasn't long before I was hooked. Unfortunately, like all addictions, this one soon turned ugly.

My behavior began to deteriorate. I couldn't enter Frist without hearing the sultry siren song of the C-Store calling to me and beckoning me near. Every time I sat down to work, or even to procrastinate, I found myself craving that cookie-and-creamy goodness. Soon I was taking shortcuts through Frist every time I left my room, even if I was only going to the bathroom. I even started looking over my shoulder to make sure Daniel Day-Lewis wasn't lurking across the room with a really long straw, waiting to drink my milkshake.

Soon I was pawning my guitar, stealing student artwork and raffling off my choice room-draw slot to support my habit. One morning I woke up on the floor in a puddle of chocolate and cookie crumbs, empty milkshakes strewn all around, the old-timey drugstore clerk printed on the f'Real! cup staring back at me, mocking me with his smug drugstore clerk smile. And I knew I had hit bottom ...that strange, plastic spiral bottom that you can never get all the milkshake out of until it melts.

I realized something in that moment. No, not that I need help, or that continuing down this dark path will kill me, but something more profound: I can't be alone. Surely, there are others who suffer from the same torturous milkshake dependency. And if that's the case, it means f'Real! must be making millions from us. They are the Pablo Escobar of dairy.

Actually, the startling success of the milkshake company is a testament to its clever business plan. Like a great many junk-food suppliers, f'Real! is trying to attract impulse buyers - a market once dominated by mall and amusement park kiosks. But with the ingenious "in-store blender" concept, f'Real! is able to get its milkshakes, cappuccinos and smoothies into existing convenience stores across the country with much less effort than it would take to build kiosks. I would suggest that, armed with this distribution format, f'Real! may be in a position to challenge Dippin' Dots and its longtime monopoly on the novelty frozen treat market. Could it be that Dippin' Dots is the ice cream of the future of the past?

Of course, more pressing than that question is this one: How do I kick this habit? Luckily, it seems like I'm going to get some help very soon - and it's built into the company's marketing strategy. See, f'Real! introduced the cookies-and-cream flavor as part of a limited-edition promotion. So as soon as the promotion ends, the monkey is off my back! According to its website, cookies-and-cream will be discontinued in May. So I guess I've just got to make it through this semester and then I can get clean. Of course, withdrawal won't be pretty, but they say cold turkey is the best way to quit.

Though I do kind of wonder what the next limited-edition flavor will be ... Uh-oh. It's mint chocolate chip. F'Real.

Brandon Lowden is an electrical engineering major from McKees Rocks, Pa. He can be reached at blowden@princeton.edu.