Hard to swallow? Perhaps that's because you've been poisoned with radon gas. Lest you think that only upperclassmen are imperiled these days, students working in the basements of Bloomberg and Forbes have been guinea pigs for a top-secret experiment aiming to slowly carcino-generate a breed of radioactive, green-haired Princetonians utterly immune to sunlight. How can we claim to be a University in the nation's service when the very worst located of our own fall victim to lung cancer-inducing black ops?
Meanwhile, there's been nary a peep out of Nassau Hall. Why not? It struck me the other day that we must be missing something big. When I realized what it was, I threw a fit. And not a small one, either. Think Howard Dean and the donkey scream. For in fact, this is only one in a series of Princeton-induced calamities to afflict students in recent years. Did you forget who deflated our grades and self-esteem, or sent Public Safety to bust up parties like it's 1999?
There is only one conclusion to draw from these episodes, and it's almost too horrifying to articulate: The University hates us. In a cruel twist of literary proportions, we students have become the embarrassing stepchildren of our alma mater. Lord knows what we did wrong, but we sure haven't been improving things any lately. I ask you, what does the University love most (apart from a diversity photo shoot)? Yes, exactly, the very thing we've been savaging for the last month - Whitman College. Oh boy. Now how can we say sorry when Mother won't listen? Why, by throwing her pet a most titillating bone, of course. Yes, we ourselves must choose a building for Whitman to annex. And maybe we'll even get something out of it.
Let's see ... what are the nicest buildings in Whitman's vicinity? Patton-Wright? Don't go there. Spelman? Touchy subject. What else is nearby ... New South? LOL. Hold it. We've ignored the most obvious choice. It has the proximity, the gothic architecture, the requisite flair and magnetic self confidence. Yes, we're going to give Whitman Dillon Gym.
Face it: The University hasn't planned to upgrade Dillon any more than it intends to send you a bottle of Andre for your birthday. And aren't you sick of waiting half an hour for a treadmill on its last leg? Haven't you gotten lost in the cavernous locker rooms, making a wrong turn only to find yourself face to face with an awkward, naked senior citizen? Well, once Whitman's coup is complete, the University will have no choice but to come knockin' on Dillon's door, renovating everything in sight. And the rest of us will benefit.
The upstairs courts should (obviously) be converted to a dramatic arts center. We can turn the locker area into a Discovery Zone style playground with ball pit, open only on party nights. I call the zip-line. At the same time, a super-elite workout palace will replace the trailers out back, and Whitman students will receive access to freshman "gym buddies." After finishing up on one of the new industrial-strength treadmills or ellipticals, we can relax in the full-service spa with free hot rocks for members of a certain you know what.
Of course, all won't be rainbows and gumdrops. Most likely, some of the more desirable equipment will only be available to the masses on off nights. There probably still won't be enough room. And the rest of us will have to take that Billy Blanks Tae-Bo class from behind a barbed wire fence. But this all seems like a small price to pay for a working Stairmaster or two.
Most importantly, Mother might stop the punishments. I'm not making any promises, though. After all, Whitman might prefer to consume something a bit tastier up the road, like Dod or Palmer Square. Heck, this might be as fantastical as academic calendar reform. I'm just suggesting that we give it a shot, for our own sake. We can still make Big Mama proud, guys. All we need to do is aspire.
Matt Kandel is an economics major from Boca Raton, Fla. He can be reached at mkandel@princeton.edu.
Read More
Why can’t lecturers win the President’s Award for Distinguished Teaching?
Jerry ZhuLet’s acknowledge those who make “boutique teaching” possible, those who work tirelessly to make our rigorous curricula more accessible, and those who dedicate their time to advising and guiding us through all the challenges we face at this University. Lecturers should be eligible for the President’s Award for Distinguished Teaching.
Let’s acknowledge those who make “boutique teaching” possible, those who work tirelessly to make our rigorous curricula more accessible, and those who dedicate their time to advising and guiding us through all the challenges we face at this University. Lecturers should be eligible for the President’s Award for Distinguished Teaching.
Princeton’s administration of justice is Trumpian
Frances BroganThe disparity between the University’s approach to Giberson and its approach to pro-Palestinian protestors reflects a concerning trend of appeasing an increasingly emboldened right rather than resisting the threat it poses to academic freedom and the wellbeing of Princeton students.
Secular Opening Exercises? Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water
Frank StrasburgerThe secular makes no room for the spiritual. What Opening Exercises are meant to convey is the spirit of the institution so that it may be kept alive from generation to generation.
The secular makes no room for the spiritual. What Opening Exercises are meant to convey is the spirit of the institution so that it may be kept alive from generation to generation.
