USG President Rob Biederman '08's oped piece in Monday's Daily Princetonian brings to light important concerns about the ability of Dillon Gym to accommodate Princeton's growing population. We believe, however, that Biederman, after nearly a year as USG president, has shown that he does not fully understand how to present good proposals in ways that the administration will find compelling. Thus, we ask that the USG reformulate its argument to incorporate these sure fire administration persuaders:
1.) Focus the proposal on an arbitrary quota or target such as those contained in our grading policy and the new alcohol policy's definition of what amount and type of alcohol could be intended for more than one person. The lack of functioning treadmills appears to be part of the administration's policy to slowly deflate the level of pulmonary health among Princeton students on the premise that treadmills should not be taken for granted and only a certain percentage of those students most committed to waiting for them to become available should reap the rewards. To overcome the current policy, the USG needs to put forward an arbitrary quota that will be significantly more attractive to the administration.
2.) Ensure that the proposal can be tied to increasing diversity, promoting the University's commitment to the arts, encouraging environmental sustainability, and strengthening the residential colleges.
3.) Claim that the initiative will increase annual giving rates – a surefire way to mobilize the administration.
Last.) Create a task force or panel that is unrepresentative of the student body to develop recommendations and make it as inconvenient as possible for students to provide feedback on the recommendations before they are adopted. The task force or panel should be given a name that is both vague and idealistic along the lines of "Task Force on Critical Health Issues." The administration will appreciate such an imprecise and meaningless title.
We believe that the USG should use the principles articulated above to craft a plan so idealistic, impractical, and unnecessarily large in scope that it could motivate the University to purchase a few additional treadmills. For example, the USG could propose that all residential colleges and upper class dormitory be outfitted with exercise rooms in which machines are connected to turbines so that those who are exercising will simultaneously supplement the energy supply for each college. Each college or upper class dormitory would be required to generate at least five percent, or some equally arbitrary percentage, of its energy consumption from these rooms. If colleges and dorms fail to meet this target, they would either have to reduce energy consumption or increase self-produced energy output until they meet the goal. A task force on the "Kinetic Propulsion Sustainability Initiative" should be formed to make recommendations about how the teamwork that will be required of students to meet these targets can strengthen the residential colleges and encourage diverse groups to come together in a common cause. The administration should be assured that inspired by this togetherness, student artists, writers and musicians will produce great works that can be highlighted in the annual giving campaign, thus moving alumni to generate larger donations than ever before. Finally if the plan has any merit, the University can wait until Harvard steals the idea and implements it before Princeton does. If the USG acts swiftly to put forward this modest proposal, we might all a few years from now actually be able to get on a treadmill and not just have to stand around waiting for one.
This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internets.
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