According to Point polls, I am the typical Princeton Student: slightly above average, and boring.
I am a virgin and I've never been sexiled. I poop wherever it's most convenient. I never have random hookups and it's not even because I have a girlfriend. (I'm male, by the way, but just barely. And straight, but that's a little more obvious). I'd like to think my behavior pretty much reflects that. And I'm not a douchebag, so I don't pop my collar. What's that, you need to go somewhere? Sorry, I don't have a car for you to use, but my good friend will let me borrow his. I also hate taking stands on issues because I never have enough information. I've never been McCoshed, by the way. That's because I only drink two days a week.
I am moral and only burn my music from CD's that I own. Those are, of course, played on an iPod.
But hey, I'm not that boring. I start papers the night before they're due. I'm not really sure how this is consistent, since I'm a virgin, but not only do I believe in sex before marriage, but I have done it, and I don't regret it. And screw it, I'll say it. I'm better looking than two-thirds of people at this school. That's probably because I'm a freshman and have an inflated self-image.
Here's my question though. Who are the four people with male brains and female bodies? Are you the 6% having sex in Firestone Library? Or the five people who floss more than once a day? I know they always say that there is no average Princeton student, but these guys take it to the next level, and I'm jealous. For once, I want to be outrageous. I want to scream to the world: my favorite washroom is in an administrative building! But that would be a lie, and I would never think of violating the honor code.
For now I'm going to stay in my comfort zone. I'll check my email 15-20 times a day, and I will continue to set my clock accurately. Someday I will declare that I would most have wanted to live through the 1930s. But today is not the day.
John Smith i s a junior politics major from New York City. He can be reached at lianji@haha.com.
This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internets.
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