Princeton's most wanted

I've gotten a lot of nasty letters, unpleasant phone calls, and strange comments this year on and around the Princeton campus because of my editorials. I'm kind of a slow learner, so it took me a while to realize that people don't respond well to criticism. The hate mail, fairly disturbing but also quite amusing at times, has been particularly helpful to me in discovering this fact. Mostly these letters consist of massive strings of four, six, or even 12 letter words that cannot help but convince me that most Princetonians possess a much more extensive vocabulary than they would have their professors believe.

I can't even really claim the high moral ground as far as these emails are concerned. You probably already know that I'm not my usually charming self when I answer these emails (see the Princeton Spectator article, The Wicked Witch Writes for the Prince!) particularly ones addressed to me that begin, "You straight up suck." The only reason I haven't published the more amusing letters in my column is that I deleted them to preclude any temptation to do so (the advice of a very high powered attorney — ok, maybe he was just a freshman politics major — specializing in obnoxious columnists). I do think it is wrong to share personal correspondence in a university publication, and I'd rather not reveal what awful, blatantly discriminatory students we have here on campus (not that I won't do so in the next paragraph, so read on).

Some of the students are so prejudiced that I feel it's really necessary to warn my peers. I suspect there's a secret movement brewing to eliminate my race, so if you too happen to be a freshman I warn you that large groups sallying forth with clubs and torches are probably marching on your residential college to burn freshman housing. A little upstart like myself (after all, aren't I too short or young or something to have an opinion?) has only made matters worse for us. Luckily next year I'll only be drawing contempt on sophomores, and by then we might be better able to protect ourselves (and join in burning freshman housing).

Anyway, I just wanted to say that despite it all, I really like you guys (don't worry, I don't expect you to reciprocate just yet). After all, this is Princeton (to quote the Triangle Show), so I could be missing limbs, failing out of school, or even stuck inside working and I'd still love it. Contrary to popular demand, I'll be at Princeton again next year, so see you then. Aileen Ann Nielsen is from Upper Black Eddy, Penn. She can be reached at anielsen@princeton.edu.