How to defeat the parking system without really trying

Having a car in Princeton is a mixed blessing. On the one hand you get to share it with all of your car-less friends. On the other you have to park it in Timbuktu. On the one hand you have to deal with the proctors. On the other you have to slowly watch its battery die from disuse while you take the 'Dinky' into New York. Having a car in Princeton is a mixed blessing the way that sleeping with your mother is a mixed blessing. On the one hand you have to resign your kingship, on the other you have to stab your eyes out.

My car is in the Jadwin Lot. I would like to use my car to travel to CVS and purchase items there; however, my car is farther away than CVS is. Consider it this way: If my car were replete with stationery and Tropicana Twister, it would be more convenient for me to pick these items up at CVS than to retrieve them from my car. Also, my car broke down last week, but that is beside the point and merely a personal grievance. There are numerous public grievances we car owners share collectively, however. And in that light, I reveal a number of ways one may take his or her car and trump Princeton's brutal automobile system. - Never leave your car. This may seem tedious, but it works. You will not be ticketed if you drive off as the bipedal proctor approaches your mal-parked auto. You may have trouble attending classes or checking e-mail, but you can park anywhere. - Fabricate a boot out of construction paper and attach it to a front tire. This way the proctors will think your car has already been booted when you leave it in the Dillon Gym parking lot for a semester. When you want to drive, simply remove the construction-paper boot, place it in the back seat, and go. - Abuse the oval at the intersection of Faculty Road and Elm Drive or the one near Poe Field where the proctor kiosk used to be. These things work in funny ways. The person within the oval has the right of way, while those at any of the three entrances must yield. Abuse the system by continuously circling the oval. You never have to stop because you always have the right of way. Plus, it becomes difficult for others to enter the oval. Do this to poke fun at a University that thought oval intersections were the wave of the future. - Schedule all appointments and social outings within the confines of the cage in Lot 23. That way, even if your car has been towed, you can drive to said outings. - Leave a hot plate of nachos on the hood of your car. Proctors like nachos and will not ticket you because of your gift. It is important to include nacho cheese.

My car is a strong car. My car is a worthy car. My car has an American flag on the driver's side door. How could somebody find fault with it? My car has carried infant triplets within its body. For God's sake, my car is a member of Cap & Gown. To be honest, it's not even my car. It's my mother's. And I can't believe the way this University treats mothers. Eric Bland is an English major from Richmond, Va. He can be reached at ebbland@princeton.edu.