Complacency wins: War on apathy comes to apathetic close

When 'Prince' Editor 'n Chief Richard Just '01 declared a war on complacency at the beginning of this semester, we knew there would be casualties, grotesque disfigurations of the truth. In short, we knew there would be inkshed. But we were prepared to lay down our lives — at least our social lives — to support his many causes: sweatshops, diversity in admissions, race, the switch to the font AGaramond, etc.

And day-by-day, we fought.

But now, we are left with no alternative but to declare an immediate cease-fire. Complacency will again reign free on campus and undergraduates will be safe from all forms of active journalism. This decision is by no means voluntary. Instead, it comes in the wake of a horrific hostage crisis.

On the night before Dean's Date, as our fearless leader was once again lecturing his staff about the dangers of complacency, right-wing and even moderate forces were conspiring against him. On his way to The Princeton Packet, Just was abducted by Tiger Magazine Editor Brian Walsh '01. Walsh is now being held in the basement of Stanhope for questioning. Crime Prevention Specialist Barry Weiser said he is not prepared to release Walsh from custody until he has a full confession. Borough Police Capt. Charles Davall commended Weiser for violating a student's constitutional rights and asked if Walsh was under the influence of alcohol at the time of the arrest.

We would like to commend Public Safety's valiant efforts to beat the snot out of Walsh, but at the same time feel that Public Safety and Borough Police should be condemned for the gross violation of his civil rights. According to the University press office, Just is still being held hostage by a group of Tiger Magazine staffers at an undisclosed campus location. Or he might be dead. The University Office of Communications is really not sure, but a press release will be forthcoming.

Last night, Tiger Vision received exclusive video footage of Just in captivity. Curled in the fetal position, his lanky limbs limp with exhaustion, Just was crying for his mom — on x3632. Just's eyes were propped open — Clockwork Orange style — while Laura Vanderkam '01 thrust her columns in his face. Tiger Vision reports that she lashed him repeatedly with her conservative rhetoric and Aussie trivia.

Walsh and his conservative cronies are demanding $1 billion in ransom money as well as lifetime subscriptions to The Wall Street Journal. We encourage President Shapiro to use the University's behemoth endowment to finally show some vision — meet these demands, buy a new basketball team or feed and clothe a small nation. For once, stop the construction! We would also ask that certain professors of jurisprudence flex their right-wing muscles to secure Wall Street Journal subscriptions for anyone who wants to read the unsubstantiated smut they print there.

Like any good postmodern soldiers, the 'Prince' staff will have its own trippy flashbacks from the war on complacency. How could we forget the trials and tribulations of indifference — hard-fought battles against Wythes, then Frist, then PJ, then not-Frist, then the presidential search committee, then PJ again. For Just, there was even the smell of raw sewage in the morning.

But in light of recent events, the 'Prince' has agreed to end its war on complacency so that our Editor 'n Chief might be returned home safely to 48 University Place. In the meantime, we encourage students to tie ribbons around trees, lampposts and slow-moving grad students in honor of our fallen leader.

Long live the chief.