The other presidential election

Now that we're finally finished with the drawn out and rather distasteful process of selecting the next president of the United States, we can at last turn our attention to something that really matters — the selection of the next president of Princeton University.

While the first and more trivial of these Presidential campaigns was nail-bitingly close to the bitter end, leaving pundits on all the major cable news networks with almost pornographically exposed cuticles, something of a consensus has already emerged with regard to the second and more meaningful decision.

Princetonians want Bill. We want him bad.

The only problem is that we're not quite sure which Bill we want. For a long time, we wanted Bill Bradley '65 — a Princeton alum with an admirable record of public service, an impressive three-point shot and a cute wife in academia whom he loves very, very, very much and because of whom he would never, ever, ever dream of even thinking about even so much as sharing a chocolate malt with even the prettiest darn girlie in town. Besides, the guy's got nothing better to do at this point.

Then, there's Bill Clinton, first suggested in a column on this very page by my dear friend and close personal colleague Jason Brownlee GS. Brownlee's suggestion was tantalizing, but controversial. Could we trust Bill Clinton to remain true to Princeton if we selected him as University president, or would he go fooling around with small liberal arts colleges behind our backs? Princeton was titillated. The man is a rake, certainly, but, as Hogarth taught us, even a rake can make progress.

There is, however, a world of other and perhaps even more alluring Bills available for our Presidential perusal. May I make a few suggestions?

Bill Bennett — As the Rev. Stephen White recently taught us, the Princeton of today is filled with fornicators, drunkards and perhaps even onanists. At a university in desperate need of old-fashioned Judeo-Christian values, the former Secretary of Education and author of "The Book of Virtues" would offer a gentile alternative to Joe Lieberman.

Bill Richardson — The Secretary of Energy was on everyone's lips as a possible vice-presidential candidate this past election season, until a certain foreign power obtained secrets concerning certain American weapons of certain destruction. The only person Bill found to blame was a perfectly innocent and infinitely kindly old scientist, who was then manacled to a wall for weeks on end and subjected to water tortures that are alleged to have openly mocked his ethnicity. Sure, this Bill may be a fascist, but if he's appointed president, you better believe those Princeton physicists will finally learn their place. Or else.

Bill Cosby — Hailing from nearby Philly, this much beloved Bill has a whole bucketful of (mostly honorary) degrees, which he took great pride in listing at the end of each episode of the sitcom that we all fondly recall from our childhoods. Not only would Bill's appointment as president be a strong move in the direction of increased diversity, but it would also be smooth, creamy and delicious, with plenty of calcium and other nutrients kids need.

Wild Bill Hickok — With the deer population of New Jersey running amok, as well as running into moving cars with ever-increasing frequency, what Princeton requires most in a president is this sharpshooter's dead-on accuracy. What's more, when Bill arrives in town, bad men dare not show their faces. Why, just imagine the hygiene at Hoagie Haven if the owners knew that their next health code violation could result in a duel in the sun at the stroke of high noon.

The Bill Who Sings "I'm Just a Bill" — If you think Bill Bradley has a lot of free time, this Bill has been sitting on Capitol Hill since at least 1973. While going through Princeton's presidential search process, he'd be sure to sing about it each Saturday morning, providing us all with important insight into the University administration.

And that's only the Bills. Why, there's a whole world of Williams out there as well — from William the Conqueror to William H. Macy. Don't even get me started on guys named Ralph. Michael Frazer is a graduate student in the politics department from Riverdale, N.Y. He can be reached at mfrazer@princeton.edu.