The scene: Richardson Auditorium. A roundtable discussion by various political personas, including Gov. George W. Bush, Vice President Al Gore, Dick Cheney, Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-Conn.), Rep. Rush Holt (D-N.J.), Dick Zimmer, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), Sen. Bill Bradley '65 (D-N.J.), Hillary Clinton and Rep. Rick Lazio (R-N.Y.), some time before Nov. 7. Approximate cost to gather such a concentrated amount of hot air: $1 million. Sponsored by the Wilson School and the President's Fund.
Moderator: And now, I give you two men, one of whom will be the next president of the United States: Governor George W. Bush and Vice President Al Gore! (George W. enters stage right and waves to the audience. Al enters stage left. Tipper hurtles onto stage from the audience, and a long kiss ensues.)
Lieberman (deep in conversation with Cheney): Hollywood has got to stop the excessive sex and violence. It's contributing to the moral decay of society. There never used to be such shameless PDAs. (Al and Tipper reluctantly disengage.)
Cheney: Yes, it's sickening, but at least Al upholds that important family value of fidelity. (Pointed look at Hillary.)
Clinton: Speaking of family values, Mr. Cheney, if you're looking for your daughter, you can find her at Terrace Club. I think the Pride Alliance is helping with cleanup for the Rocky Horror Dance. Personally, I prefer the CJL, where I can better get in touch with my Jewish roots. It's sort of a haven for me — really, everything feels quite foreign when I'm not home in New York.
Bush: Did someone say foreign affairs? I read the CliffsNotes. It's Ehud, sounds like Iraq . . . Barak! And . . . and (Al sighs loudly) — excuse you!
Gore: Oh — I was just heartbroken that this school can't afford a chair for the love of my life to sit up here with me. Education is my number-one priority and if you elect me president, I'll fix it!
Holt: If anyone's going to fix it, it'll be me. Might I mention that I used to be a physics professor here?
Zimmer: Yeah, well I was a Woody Woo lecturer here. And I have my own locker, so there!
Bush: There you go with your fuzzy numbers again. Just because you went to Harvard (audience: "Sucks!") doesn't mean that you can pull one over on me. Just last week you said the environment was your absolute number-one priority. You didn't say that it was tied with education for number one.
Princeton professor Paul Krugman (rises from his chair in the audience): Fuzzy numbers? You want a lesson in math? Just wait till my next New York Times column!
Bush to Cheney: That major league (catches self) — rat!
Gore: There you go again with your 'subliminable' messages.
Lieberman: Proving once again that you didn't get into Yale (audience: "Sucks!") on your own merit. The kind of affirmative action I'm against is the kind that allows people like you who get in on their daddy's name.
Cheney: Don't you go putting down George, Sr. He's a fine man. I would know. I worked with him.
Gore: Yeah, before you became CEO of Halliburton and got in the pocket of that anti-environment, big oil company.
McCain and Bradley: Which is why we need campaign finance reform. (All ignore except Lazio, who jumps to his feet, and hovers menacingly over Hillary.)
Lazio: You want campaign finance reform? You can't handle campaign finance reform!
A scuffle outside the doors ensues involving Nader: What do you mean, I can't go in? I'm Class of 1955! Oh fine, I'll go join the SPEAC-ers protesting Third World exploitation. (Calls out to audience.) Hello? Is anybody out there?
Moderator: Sorry for that disturbance, folks. Let's get back to the discussion at hand, shall we? I'd like to know what our panelists have to say about the polls that indicate that, given the choice, the public would prefer four more years of Bill Clinton to a Bush or Gore presidency?
Bush: That's poppycock. My twin girls grew up under the moral safety of the Reagan-Bush administrations. If it weren't for the strong moral leadership demonstrated by Reagan and my father along with the family values that Laura and I instilled in them while reading "Harry Potter" to them as youngsters — well, I don't even want to think about it.
Gore: First of all, "Harry Potter" didn't come out until the late 1990s. Secondly, my running mate Joe and I invented moral leadership. Thirdly, there's absolutely no truth to the rumor that my friend, Bill Clinton, is overshadowing my candidacy . . .
A helicopter drops down through the roof, Miss Saigon style: "And now presenting the President of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton!" Liriel Higa is a Wilson School major from Los Angeles. She is currently studying abroad in Hong Kong. She can be reached at lshiga@princeton.edu.
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