Feel the Rush: Princeton's Newest Frat

Hello, Brothers. My name is Oliver C. Williams, and I am the president of the Princeton chapter of Kappa Upsilon Lambda.

Chartered in 1869, our fraternity was founded upon the principle that most men are created equal. Our founders, Noble Raymond Alvord and Stanley Tenley Underwood Dickens, are remembered as two of the most equal men the world has ever known. They served honorably in the military and even gave their lives in a freak fox-hunting accident.

Various factors distinguish the Princeton chapter from all other national chapters of Kappa Upsilon Lambda. We admit only Princeton students who attend the University and live in the Princeton area. From that pool of applicants, we let in only those who respond affirmatively to the question, "Are you of the male persuasion?" We are also the only chapter that has Cottage passes.

Unlike joining other fraternities, becoming a member of Kappa Upsilon Lambda requires more than just possessing a great personality. Our members have a range of far more fascinating characteristics, such as charming smiles, gargantuan portfolios and the ability to bench press their SAT scores. When you are a member of Kappa Upsilon Lambda, you are more than just a walking six-pack with a libido — you are a walking six-pack with a libido and a reason to exist.

When we train our new members, we edify them in more than the ways of mankind. Not only is every Kappa Upsilon Lambda graduate like an assault rifle — able to get loaded and have his trigger pulled — but he also learns the ways of womankind. We hold numerous functions with our sister sorority, Sigma Epsilon Xi, whose members' preferred pickup line is "You're like the Sahara, you ain't been wet in a long time." Some of our West Virginian brothers have even married sisters and gone on to live happy, anonymous lives with two kids and a house in the boonies.

For more than a decade, our pledges, actives and alumni have recited "A True Man of Honor," and no other words, except for perhaps those of the initiation ritual or "I'll have another," have more nearly represented the ideals of Kappa Upsilon Lambda. When you say the word "honor," it is important to put the accent on "hon," remembering that the "h" is silent in this case. "Honor" represents so many vital doctrines of the Kappa Upsilon Lambda belief. On any given night at the 'Street,' members of the fraternity can be heard calling each other "True Men of Honor."

In Shakespeare's Henry IV, Falstaff says, "Honour is a mere scutcheon" (5.1.138). But Falstaff was not a member of Kappa Upsilon Lambda, and he died an obese, ugly man.

If you sense you belong and feel the same kinship for your brothers that Angelina Jolie does, rest assured that rushing Kappa Upsilon Lambda is easy. All you have to do is sign up, learn about our beliefs and do a kegstand until George Dubya says something intelligent. The rest is up to us.

Kappa Upsilon Lambda has strict laws against hazing. We will not force you to drink your own urine more than three times in a given night, nor will we call you "castrated, festering, maggot-faced ass monkeys" unless you fit that description. If you ever feel worthless during wet rush, we provide a toll-free, 24-hour hotline that directly reconnects you to your mommy.

I would like to encourage all freshmen to consider rushing Kappa Upsilon Lambda this fall. But if this endorsement hasn't stroked your ego and you are still having reservations about rush, simply read the following words of our chant. And remember — Kappa Upsilon Lambda is about more than status; it's about people who happen to be important: We're men. We're manly. Our founder's name was Stanley. We socialize in packs, and practice being macks. So if we choose to hose you, then there's no way in hell That you can't say a cool guy is a K-U-L! Oliver C. Williams '01 is a 'Prince' Editorial Page Editor from Washington, D.C.