From Madonna to Men at Work, time for DJs to spin different tunes

Can somebody, please, for the love of whatever God you may choose to worship (or not), just put all of the DJs who play our parties into a room and pick off a couple of them with a sniper rifle? It would force them to be a bit more creative.

You all know what I'm talking about. You've all been at the 'Street,' or some sort of dance where they have had music, and you walk in to the tune of "Like A Prayer," stay for the Wyclef version of "Stayin' Alive" and duck out when "Back At One" hits and all the couples start openly copulating on the dance floor. This repertoire would be absolutely fine, if that were not almost always the specific order that those songs were played in, every single time, without fail.

Now, I've been to high school dances. I've seen the DJs swagger over to their CD mixers, feeble brains taxed to their physical limits so that they can figure out how to work that request for "Rapper's Delight" into their perfectly planned segue from "Holla Holla" into "YMCA." I've felt the awesome power that "Enter Sandman" can possess when accompanied by the most feared tool in a DJ's arsenal of terror — the Strobe Light. It becomes almost dance-able. Almost.

I've thrilled to "Stairway," or "Freebird" or "American Pie" (not the Madonna version, don't be stupid) — whatever rock classic the DJ decides will be the most appropriate Last Song. So I am aware of this breed of man, and I understand him. I feel his dark, exquisite pain when the booties fail to shake to the latest Destiny's Child number. I have danced his so-called Humpty Dance, and it felt good.

The DJs at Princeton, however, force me to draw comparisons to another dreaded musical evil — the people you listen to when you get put on hold. Those people have the supernatural ability to find the one Phil Collins song that you can stand the least, and then put it in a three-song rotation with the Tijuana Brass version of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and the "Time of My Life" song from "Dirty Dancing." That's their playlist. Every time.

This guy is such a snob. What the hell is wrong with "Stayin' Alive" anyway? I like it. Those songs are fun to dance to. I hate people who complain about the music all the time. They're such a drag. I just like to dance.

Silence that internal monologue for a moment, dear reader, because I agree with you. For a start, the guy who whines about the music at dances is usually the guy who is also not getting any that night, under any circumstances. I hate that guy as much as you do. But I have to admit, even the party stalwarts I've been hanging out with are starting to look bored when they have been dancing to it every Thursday at Quad and Saturday at Colonial for the last three years.

I would not even suggest getting rid of those songs, but please, a bit of variety. There are some great songs that never get played anymore. When was the last time you heard "No No No" by Destiny's Child? "Born Slippy" by Underworld? Even "Pump It Up" by Elvis Costello? Songs like that would spice up a set more than having the same 50 songs and playing them ad nauseum until the end of the world. Think of the poor international students who will go back to their countries thinking that America's contribution to world culture is "Baby Got Back."

It more or less is, but that is a whole separate issue. And to the people who book DJs for these things, I suggest you start doing a little research if you aren't already. Find out who uses vinyl (very, very key). Ask for mix tapes and play lists. And if their play list involves the word Tiffany, just stay the hell away. I'm begging you. David Morris is from Oakville, Ontario. He can be reached at dmorris@princeton.edu.