Don't be afraid to manipulate poor grades in future for political success

Yes, America, we have reached that point: Our insatiable love for gossip has permeated our presidential campaigns. From "boxers or briefs?" to a candidate's favorite book, no detail is left unturned.

For college students, however, one investigative trend is particularly noteworthy — the scrutiny of high school and college transcripts. George W. Bush's academic travails have been widely publicized, and just recently, The Washington Post ran an article about Vice President Al Gore's low marks, "Gore's Grades Belie Image of Studious-ness."

This focus on grades, however, does not mean that Princeton's future political hopefuls have to bury themselves in Firestone for four years to gain entrance to the White House. On the contrary, knowing how to structure your transcript and "spin" your poor grades is what will matter in that future election. Forget studying and simply follow this advice:

Number One: It's always a good idea to take economics classes, especially those taught by former members of the Federal Reserve. Remember, "It's the economy, stupid." If you happen to do poorly, however, claim the professor was adhering to outdated economic models, while you were a visionary, realizing the potential growth in the post-Internet age. (Of course, the "Internet age" will be passe — always add more prefixes to your phrases.)

Number Two: If you take any class with "ethics" in the title, especially WWS 301: Ethics and Public Policy, don't worry about the outcome. But whatever you do, don't violate the Honor Code.

Number Three: Now the best part — purposefully slacking off to receive poor grades. For example, a "D" will look admirable in POL 322: Public Opinion when you explain, "They marked me down because I stuck to my principles and refused to bow to public opinion. My beliefs don't change with the polls, the polls should change with my beliefs."

Number Four: Admit limits of knowledge — good grades in certain classes will make you seem arrogant, as though you think you have all the answers. A good example of this is POL 388: Causes of War. Explain your "C+" by noting that you understood the general premises of international relations, yet there are no objective rules when dealing with foreign leaders. Simply state, "The worst diplomat is one who thinks he and his culture are superior. What's important is to be pragmatic, dealing with the specifics as they arise."

Number Five: Bipartisan cooperation — the Democrats and Republicans can get together on campus to fix the curve in certain classes. Liberals will be rewarded in Democratic primaries for low grades in POL 304: Conservative Political Thought and ECO 318: Corporate Finance while Republicans will benefit from high marks in those same classes. Thus, Democrats should agree to do poorly to help the curve for Republicans, if conservatives are willing to return the favor in POL 331: Urban Politics. Republicans may also want to check out the class, "Redeeming Qualities of the National Rifle Association." (You say there is no such class at Princeton? Oh yeah, that's because there are no redeeming qualities of the NRA.)

Number Six: Next, you have to learn how to explain taking only the minimum courseload per semester. Republican: "I believe that people respond to incentives, which is why I'm a firm believer in free-market principles. Unlike my liberal opponent, who took 18 courses a semester, I don't believe that more is always better, especially in the realm of big government." Democrat: "There was no controlling legal authority forcing me to go above the minimum, and so in that stage of my life, I succumbed to the defects of society. But with your help and your tax dollars, I can fix society."

I hope this advice was helpful, but if all else fails, simply claim you were out at the 'Street' "campaigning." Nate Allard is from Garrett Park, Md. He can be reached at nallard@princeton.edu.