All we really need to know we learned at the Academy Awards

AA year ago this week, the Nassau Weekly printed a 12-step program on how to win an Oscar. Now that we've gone through rehabilitation, being conscientious Princeton students we seem to find a lesson in everything.

1. Self-mockery can get you brownie points: Billy Crystal's blatant criticism of the Hollywood scene does wonders for his cachet. Not only did he make fun of his recent failures – most notably Father's Day – but he professed the hope that his upcoming film My Giant would be as big as Titanic. Oh, and after Kevin Costner's stint in Crystal's opening tour de force, we predict that the waterlogged Postman may once again be employed (although perhaps only in the mailroom).

2. Modesty is always a virtue: Let's take James Cameron as an example not to follow. When your film is sailing toward becoming the highest grossing of all time and has just received a record number of little gold men ever, you don't need to tell the supposed billion people watching that you're the "king of the world." Besides, Leonardo DiCrapio already assumed the title with his diva-like boycott.

3. Become powerful – you can get away with anything: Cameron's speeches (all three of them) were just a tinge longer than the prescribed 20 seconds every other poor shmo had to stick to. And how about that moment of silence? 4,333.33 times more people died in the Holocaust than on the RMS Titanic. Even Spielberg didn't deify himself. Maybe Jim should just one-up everyone and donate his paycheck to the families of those who perished.

4. Everyone likes to feel important: We had to watch a gymnasium bleacher filled with every living award winner over the last seventy years. Like anyone cares about the kid who starred in The Yearling a hundred years ago. Couldn't they have just put them all in an opening number with Celine and the bear?

5. We're number 1!: The Oscars this year simply became another form of cultural imperialism to "one billion viewers." Only Americans received statuettes in the major categories – just one more step towards Cameron's "world" domination.

6. It's fun to watch the competition sweat: When the camera pans to the faces of the 5 nominees as they wait for the glitzed up celeb to announce the winner, you gotta admit, we all are want to see them squirm. We only wish that Ms. Holier Than Thou, Celine Dion, had shown a hint of self doubt wearing La CÏur de la Mer.

7. Plastic surgery does wonders: An unnamed arts editor spotted Donald Trump sporting a new facelift on the arm of a model his daughter's age. Kim Basinger at 44 looked a helluva lot better than the younger Madonna. Then again it can't do everything for you, like change your fashion sense. Take Cher, for instance.

8. Don't leave home without underwear: Unless, of course, you're really famous and beautiful. Not only can you go out in a gorgeous white dress with a slit up to your underwear, but you can just keep the Hanes off. Still, not everyone is Ashley Judd, whose basic instinct is to look amazing. Especially when she flashed the eager Hollywood beavers.

9. Don't forget your education: Mathematically speaking, it's impossible for over a billion people to be watching the Academy Awards. Did the !Kung bushmen of the Kalahari Desert wake at 3 a.m. just to make sure that Titanic won? And Wonderboy Matt Damon, yet to graduate from Harvard, mispronounced the French word vieille. Don't be a fool, stay in school.

10. It's not about ending with the most toys: As Good as It Gets, Good Will Hunting, The Full Monty and, glub glub, Titanic have all raked in the huge bucks. The Oscars failed to support the smaller films that really merit attention like The Sweet Hereafter, Ulee's Gold, Afterglow and The Apostle. It's obviously just about ending with the most money. And then you can buy any toy you want.