Joke Issue

Snowden revealed as leaker of Salinger manuscripts*

The November leak of a famous J.D. Salinger short story kept in Firestone Library was the work of former NSA contractor Edward Snowden, according to records obtained by The Daily Princetonian.

When asked his reason for the leak, he denounced Salinger as “a phony.”

The story, “The Ocean Full of Big Brass Balls,” which had a ‘Top Secret’ classification, appeared on the torrenters’ site whadafuq.cd. Using advanced encryption technology, Snowden uploaded a torrent file of the story to the site under the username sleazyleaker, according to records provided by a user of the site.

This anonymous source is in no way an illegal torrenter or a member of The Daily Princetonian.

“Salinger was such a phony! He’s hidden so much of his work from us. He claims to have whole novels that he never published. The world deserves to know what he’s hiding,” Snowden said in a statement released from his hideout in Russia. “I mean, WHERE DO THE DUCKS GO?”

The leak also brings to light the NSA’s extensive collection of 1950s literature suspected of Communist leanings.

“What people deserve to know is that the NSA actually formed in the 1950s to collect work by writers suspected of Communist sympathies. Nobody cared ‘cause they figured novelists deserve to be surveilled anyway — they’re always taking notes on us,” Snowden said.

“Salinger was dating Eugene O’Neill’s daughter until she dumped him for Charlie Chaplin, and Charlie Chaplin was a Communist. So that proves … something,” he added.

Snowden’s leak has been openly criticized by Yoko Ono, who noted that “The Catcher in the Rye” inspired Mark David Chapman to murder singer-songwriter John Lennon in 1980, whom Chapman described as one of the “phonies” despised by the novel’s hero Holden Caulfield.

Ono urged the Salinger estate to keep all of Salinger’s unpublished manuscripts hidden in their family home.

“Keep those dangerous books locked up where they belong,” Ono said. “Can’t a body catch a body coming through the rye?”

* Just in case you’re a reporter for The Daily Caller looking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.

 

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