Joke Issue

Future children of Palmquist ’13, Darrow ’13 being recruited by Princeton*

After the engagement of former volleyball star Jennifer Palmquist and former basketball star Mack Darrow, the Daily Princetonian has learned that Princeton’s Department of Athletics has already made offers to any potential children the couple may have.

“We believe that any offspring this couple produces will make a great addition to, well, whatever team,” Director of Athletics Gary Walters ’68 said. “That’s all I can say for now, until we find out what gender they’re going to be.”

Palmquist and Darrow say they are keeping their options open and will not be making any commitments until they finish planning their wedding. Though they say they do not know their exact plans as far as their future family is concerned, Walters has laid out several scenarios.

“Ideally, they’d have five or six kids, and we could spread them out over men’s and women’s volleyball and basketball,” Walters said. “But the Department of Athletics would be open to some of the children trying football or field hockey.”

“It’d be badass if they had like, three really tall boys,” Walters said. “And all the basketball team’s starting forwards would just be Mack Darrow Jrs.”

When asked about Walters’ ideas, Palmquist cautioned against expecting too much.

“There are so many children out there in need of a loving family,” she said. “Mack and I have always loved the idea of adoption.”

“I swear,” Walters responded. “For the good of Princeton Athletics, they better reproduce biologically!”

* Just in case you’re a reporter for The Daily Caller looking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.

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