When the ‘Prince’ asked me to select a candidate for an On Tap, I thought, “Wow. This would be a fantastic opportunity to learn a little more about me.” And then, when they asked me to find someone to conduct the interview with me, I said to myself, “Well, who’s better to talk to me than me — right, myself?” I ran the idea by me, and me agreed.
I had a chance to catch up with myself to see what I would say to me about a few things that I do on campus. The sports-writer-for-The-Daily-Princetonian-me wanted to learn a little more about the athlete me: a fifth-year senior who withdrew from Princeton shortly after his 2012 sprint football season before returning for a fifth season in 2013. I learned nothing useful and my main takeaway was that the behavior of this school’s sprint football players at least warrants a thorough investigation of the team’s conduct policies, if not a swift termination of the program. The experience was at worst a wasteful display of offensively transparent self-promotion, and at best, a scientifically informative insight into a multitude of split-personality disorders.
(Disclaimer: please note that although this is the joke issue, all of the information below is factual, except for the parts that could get me in trouble of absolutely any kind.)
JOURNALIST WOLFE: Thanks for taking the time to meet. I’ve been looking forward to this interview for a long, long time.
SPRINT FOOTBALL WOLFE: Didn’t ask.
SFW: Oh, “Didn’t ask.” It’s kind of a catchphrase of mine. I use it when people provide unsolicited information or start talking about themselves too much. It helps to keep Princeton students who are too full of themselves in check. It’s incredibly rude, but pretty effective.
JW: Oh. That’s um … that’s actually pretty funny.
SFW: Yeah, I use it a lot for people’s Facebook statuses, or if people get too excited about something they’ve done that no one else cares about. It’s actually kind of been spreading around campus, at least through my circles.
JW: Didn’t ask.
JW: Can we start the interview now please?
SFW: Sure thing. Well, first off I just wanna thank Jeff Coburn, Luke of Earl, Young Helli the Don, Dean “Loophole” Larry LuPole, Tha Sprint-Quint, Matti Quayle, Professor Genta-Robbins, my accountant Timmy Cocuzza —
JW: Okay, I gotta stop you right there — what are you thanking these people for?
SFW: Oh, they’ve just done so much to support me. Without them I could never have made it to this point.
JW: What? No. You haven’t accomplished anything. This is just an interview. For no reason. In the ‘Prince’s joke issue. With yourself. It is literally just an expression of your own vanity. You can’t possibly have anyone to thank.
SFW: Oh, yeah, I’m the vain one, no definitely. Look at you. All you do is follow around athletes with better careers than you so you can tell them how great they are in interviews and then later pretend to be friends with them.
JW: Are you kidding me!? Dude look at your Facebook — your profile picture literally changes every 18 hours, and it’s just you like wearing your jersey, you’re not even doing any — [he is interrupted as EATING CLUB OFFICER WOLFE enters]
JW: Who are you?
ECOW: I’m Eating Club Officer Wolfe. Sprint Football Wolfe said you might have a few questions for me? I’m the Cannon Athletics Chair.
JW: [looking back at SFW] Are you serious? Oh, come on! No one cares about you being the IM Chair —
ECOW: [interrupting] Athletics Chair —
JW: It is literally the lowest officer spot in the club — the tenth of 10 positions. It’s not even a real job, all you have to do is send emails about IM games and you don’t even do that and when you do no one reads them. Cannon has been basically nonexistent in IMs since last spring and — wait a second. [Looking at ECOW] Wait, how were you able to be the IMs —
ECOW: Athletics —
JW: Chair last spring if you literally were not an enrolled student of the University? Wouldn’t that stand in violation of many, many club and University regulations? Like where did you even live during that semester?
[ECOW backs slowly toward the door and runs out of the room.]
SFW: Oh, we’re gonna play that game? How were you a Senior Writer for the ‘Prince’ last spring when you weren’t a student?
JW: How were you academically eligible to play sprint football this year when you completed a grand total of ZERO courses last year? Actually … how were you even athletically eligible? Didn’t you play four full seasons before the start of this year?
SFW: Oh, since we’re the same person, is this like one of those things where you text yourself and it just keeps showing the text twice?
JW: Oh, since we’re the same person, is this like one of those things where you text yourself and it just keeps showing the text twice?
SFW: [winking] Thanks, dude.
JW: [winking] Thanks, dude.
[JV BASKETBALL WOLFE enters]
JW: No, get the fuck out, that’s seriously nothing.
[JVBW Turns and leaves.]
JW: See what I mean about the vanity? You’re just listing a bunch of things you do on campus that no one cares about in resume-style format. This is disgusting.
SFW: Hey, don’t put that on me, you’re the one who’s writing this.
[2CHAINZ enters]: TRUUUUE!
JW: Oh, get outta here, 2!
[2CHAINZ exits politely, now surrounded by a number of scantily-clad women.]
SFW: Wait, sorry, so did we say we’re not gonna bring in Proficient With Microsoft Office Wolfe?
JW: Okay, let’s get into some real On Tap questions. Can you explain your team’s bizarre fetish with stealing golf carts?
SFW: What? We don’t care about stealing golf carts. That’s completely wrong — sweet investigative journalism skills, bro.
JW: [confused, but a little embarrassed] My mistake.
SFW: Yeah, we just care about finding creative places to put golf carts once they’ve already been stolen. On top of the stadium, in the Whitman dining hall, things like that.
JW: I see. Describe the Nick Genta NCAA Fund Custom Suit Scam of 2011. Can you estimate the extent of the financial damages it caused the athletic department, and explain how it’s any different from all of the Terrelle Pryor stuff?
SFW: Next question.
JW: Are you wearing one of the suits right now?
SFW: Next question.
JW: What are the Three Rules?
SFW: If you have to ask, you wouldn’t understand.
JW: What was a more important victory in the context of your career — the time you and your teammates stole the flag from the top of Harvard’s stadium and burned it at the 2012 bonfire, or the time you and your teammates stole the flag from the top of Harvard’s stadium and burned it at the 2013 bonfire?
SFW: Both were special moments in their own right, but Harvard’s security guards were significantly more competent the second year. It’s always extra meaningful when you face a strong defense like that and still manage to come away with the win, so I guess in some ways that was a more rewarding outing for our squad.
JW: Public Safety has requested that I ask — who is the owner of the Black Tahoe?
SFW: No one actually knows, #FifthAmmendment
JW: Relax, dude. This is the joke issue, so none of this can be held against you. #ExclusionaryRule #OJSimpsonTrial
SFW: Hey, while I have you — is there any way you could plug my rap career in here?
JW: Are you referring to the work of Weston Gates, your rap monicker, produced by Fortunate Sons Music, your on-campus production team?
SFW: Yes, whose songs are available at FortSonsMusic.com, and whose refreshingly trendy and affordable t-shirts are available in all sizes and colors for purchase through me directly.
JW: Sorry, I can’t do that for you. The ‘Prince’ told me no free advertising.
SFW: Got it.
JW: Speaking of hip-hop, some people say you look like the rapper Mac Miller. Thoughts?
SFW: Nah, he looks like me.
JW: Nah, he looks like me.
JW: I’m you.
JW: How has sprint’s relationship with the football team been?
SFW: Oh, it’s been phenomenal, really. Those guys are role models on the field for a lot of our players, and they’ve been super helpful in reviewing film with us and giving advice on mechanics to help us play more like a D1 team.
JW: That’s awesome — any football guys in particular who have been special mentors for you?
SFW: Senior offensive lineman Joe Goss [football] has been fantastic. His football IQ is seriously impressive, and his passion for the game is contagious. Once he even came out to our practice and participated in one-on-one drills against our senior defensive lineman Ben Foulon [sprint], who wanted some help with his pass rush. Ben beat Joe to the quarterback nine out of the ten times they ran the drill, but Joe didn’t let it affect his ego- he is a class act all around, and actually a really sweet guy once you get to know him! The only downside of that day was that Joe tweaked his knee pretty good, and as a result was only able to play the first half of the Dartmouth game before leaving on crutches.
JW: What about junior receiver Jack Verducci?
SFW: I don’t know who that is.
JW: All right, thanks a lot man, that was awesome. Like I said, I really appreciate you taking the time to meet with me. This story is gonna come out great.
SFW: Wait … that’s it? You’re not gonna like, ask me about my playing career?
JW: Um…I mean not really, I pretty much got everything I needed.
SFW: But — but I was second on my team in receptions this year!
JW: Didn’t ask.
SFW: Are you kidding? You don’t care about our season at all? We played on ESPN3 this year. I scored a touchdown in a nationally televised game!
JW: Definitely didn’t ask.
SFW: Okay, seriously? Seriously! You wrote a two-thousand word article on Quinn Epperly’s first season as a starter — you don’t even have one single question about my five-year career just because it was for sprint!?
JW: Okay, fine. Your self-esteem is really that low that you need me to patronize you with fake interest in your athletic career? Here you go: [sarcastically] As part of your pre-game rituals, when you’re figuring out which socks-cleats combo to go with, do you try them on and send pictures to your mom for advice?
SFW: [oblivious to the sarcasm at first] My mom has been there for me since day one. She is always there to support my fashion choices on and off the field, and she just happens to have pretty good taste in — Wait … are you making fun of me?
JW: [still mocking] When job interviewers ask you what sport you play and you have to explain it to them, do you say, “It’s kind of like football, but without all the speed, strength and skill?”
SFW: [rapid-fire] If you could marry Mike Catapano or Roman Wilson tomorrow, who would you pick?
JW: What weighs more: You or your box of bicep bands and shooting sleeves?
SFW: How big is the T.J. Bray poster above your bed?
JW: When you’re playing a big game at home, what techniques do you use to block out the noise of the imaginary crowd?
SFW: What do you find is the most cost-effective way to recycle giant stacks of unopened Daily Princetonian issues?
JW: [growing angry] In which of your 35 consecutive losses would you say you played the largest role in helping your team lose the —
SFW: [infuriated] NO ONE READS ANY OF YOUR TWEETS!
JW: [on the verge of tears] DIDN’T ASK!
[A long silence]
SFW: I’m sorry, man that was … I took it too far.
JW: No, dude, I took it too far. Totally out of line.
SFW: I love you, bro.
JW: Love you too, man.
[PSYCH-MAJOR WOLFE enters]: Um, yeah so the diagnosis is schizophrenia. This is extremely serious and you absolutely need to go see somebody.
SFW & JW: [in unison] Didn’t ask.
[All turn into flickering holograms of Manti Te’o’s girlfriend and explode into a million pieces of charred Harvard flag]
* Just in case you’re a reporter for The Daily Caller looking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.