The gunshot-like sound prompting the 2013 Monoclist Revolution and eventual overthrow of University Czar Christopher Eisgruber ’83 was actually caused by the sound of a hammer hitting a sickle, an internal University investigation found.
“The reports of gunshots in Nassau Hall turned out to be false,” former University Spokesperson Martin Mbourgeois said, speaking from exile in a firehouse in Brooklyn, N.Y., where a woman was reportedly giving birth. “It is regretful that such ludicrous claims have caused the downfall of our once-great institution.”
Mbourgeois is an owner of the means of production.
According to the report, which cited Princeton Police Department records requested by The Daily Princetonian and intercepted by Minister of Truth Bob Durkee ’69, the gunshot sounds were made by a 63-year-old man hitting a hammer against a sickle in the Nassau Hall lobby.
The man, who was wearing a monocle, admitted he is not an owner of the means of production, describing himself as a wage laborer and a member of the proletariat. He said that he felt alienated from the products of his work.
The man was removed from Nassau Hall by Okhrana officers and labeled a subversive, Mbourgeois said, adding that he was transported to a local labor camp for an unspecified period of time, where he will be put to work building the Arts & Transit Neighborhood.
But two students, Nuni Kagakura and Bolly Molten, heard the alleged gunshots and were inspired by the sight of the monocle-bearing man being forcibly removed from campus.
“We’d always considered the monocle a symbol of resistance to oppression and an expression of the labor class, and so we knew this incident was our call to rise up and institute a revolutionary wave,” Kagakura and Molten said in a joint statement.
Kagakura and Molten are also the co-writers of this piece of Monoclist propaganda.
* Just in case you’re a reporter for The Daily Caller looking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.