Joke Issue

Moving and Storage agency to be acquired by Dropbox*

Due to their stellar record of dropping boxes, Princeton’s student-run Moving and Storage Agency is nearing a major acquisition deal with San Francisco-based file storage service Dropbox, sources intimately familiar with the negotiations confirmed Thursday.

But one potential roadblock remains, according to a Dropbox source who was granted anonymity to speak freely about the negotiations. Dropbox is apparently “very concerned” about the recent decline in the number of lost item claims filed by Moving and Storage Agency customers.

“Our Board of Directors will need to be convinced that these kids will be true Dropboxers, and the record isn’t looking good,” the source said. “I mean, they only damaged four items last year, and didn’t even lose any. They’re clearly not dropping enough boxes.”

In previous years, the Moving and Storage Agency received anywhere from 10 to 20 lost items claims.

“That’s what really got them on our radar,” the source said. “Losing 10 to 20 items? That’s a lot of boxes being dropped. When we read that, a lot of us really thought they had what it takes to work here.”

But Moving and Storage Agency Director Calec Crush ’14 appeared confident about the deal’s prospects when reached for comment on a Saturday night in Cottage.

“Suck it, USG!” he screamed.

The acquisition is a clear step up from the Agency’s previous attempt to merge with the USG’s Summer Storage Coalition.

“Our goal is to just make sure the service is of high quality and at a reasonable cost for students,” USG president Shawon Jackson ’15 said. “Dropping boxes? That sounds like the exact opposite of what you’d want from a storage agency.”

“Nonsense,” Dropbox spokesperson Ana Andreescu said in a statement.

“We here at Dropbox are experts at storing items, albeit digital ones. However, we believe dropping boxes is the best strategy to go about storing items in the physical world as well. We look forward to welcoming the Moving and Storage Agency onto our team, as they share the values of true Dropboxers,” Andreescu said.

The acquisition will expand the funding available to the agency, which has found its resources taxed due to over-enrollment in the Class of 2016. With recent comments by President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 suggesting the size of the student body may increase in the near future, the agency determined now would be the best time to prepare.

“We want to make sure we’re prepared to drop every student’s boxes, no matter how many that may be in the future,” Crush said.

* Just in case you’re a reporter for The Daily Caller looking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.

 

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