Joke Issue

Ivy blames gastroenteritis outbreak on commoners sitting outside club*

The recent gastroenteritis outbreak at Ivy Club — which forced close to a dozen members to share a health facility frequented by thousands of other students — was caused by too many people sitting, walking and hanging out on the streets just outside the club.

Ivy President Thatcher F. Foster ’14 said that an independent inquiry into the outbreak had concluded that normal people coming into close range with members had caused the outbreak. He also questioned the validity of a local health department investigation because, he said, the inspectors were also common people.

Foster is a member of the natural aristocracy, a category applied to all Ivy members.

The Centers for Disease Control is working on importing an unapproved vaccine from the United Kingdom that has seen positive results in preventing gastroenteritis in the royal family.

Foster ’14 added that The Daily Princetonian reporters stationed outside the club trying to cover the outbreak had only made the situation worse. He argued that since the reporters were also common people, their presence had upset the members’ stomachs.

“[The gastroenteritis is] not an Ivy-specific problem and I really don’t appreciate that you’ve taken this route and gone to Ivy and tried to, you know, sit outside Ivy … I think this is completely unfair and ridiculous and that’s about it,” Foster said, notably upset.

A six-month follow up investigation involving multiple undercover reporters wearing clean room suits, however, has uncovered that the underlying problem is that Ivy members dislike people.

“I really don’t appreciate or respect that you have people snooping around my club, our club, asking people what’s going on,” Foster said in a voice mail. “I mean, that’s really low, unprofessional and just plain stupid and invasive.”

Foster declined to engage in an actual phone conversation, citing potential health risks.

* Just in case you’re a reporter for The Daily Caller looking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.

 

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