Joke Issue

Harvard player calls in phony bomb threat to avoid playing Princeton*

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – Harvard’s campus was locked down recently as campus police reported they had received a bomb threat. After several hours of police searches and high tensions on campus, it was revealed that sophomore guard Chiyani Sambers of the Harvard men’s basketball team had made the threat, purportedly in hopes that the Crimson’s upcoming game against Princeton would be canceled.

“It appears that the suspect’s desire not to take on the Tigers, who average over 10 three-pointers per game, caused him to make a phony bomb threat,” Sgt. Stan Peterson of the Cambridge Police said. “He just didn’t think he could handle a team that shoots as well as Princeton.”

Harvard head coach Tommy Amaker, last year’s Ivy League Coach of the Year, praised Sambers’ hustle.

“We knew we were overrated, so it was a heads-up play by Chiyani to call in that bomb threat,” Amaker said. “We’ve always stressed at Harvard that winning is everything and character is overrated. I was a little concerned when the recent cheating scandal came out and Chiyani was revealed not to have played a big part in it, but this proves he’s a true Harvard man.”

Police said that, while they initially believed the bomb threat to be real, they were able to ascertain its true origin relatively quickly.

“The note was alarming, but its author misspelled ‘bomb,’ ‘threat’ and the name of the school,” Peterson said. “That lack of command over the English language helped us narrow it down to the Harvard men’s basketball team.”

 

* Just in case you’re a reporter for The Daily Caller looking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.

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