Joke Issue

Epperly leaves Princeton to pursue solo career*

In a recent exhibition match, junior quarterback Quinn Epperly defeated the entire Yale football team 53-28.

In a recent exhibition match, junior quarterback Quinn Epperly defeated the entire Yale football team 53-28.

Saying he wanted more “creative control” over his football career, junior offensive frontman and Ivy League Offensive Player of the Year Quinn Epperly announced Thursday that he would be leaving Princeton’s football program to form his own independent offense.

“I’ve really enjoyed playing with the Tigers,” Epperly said in a statement released by his publicist. “But I just feel like it was time to head out on my own and see how I stack up against defenses when it’s just me.”

Though Epperly led the league in scoring and quarterback rating last year, some critics have suggested that his powerful arm and excellent instincts will not be enough to protect him when he faces 11 defenders without the aid of blockers or other skill players, which many argue are still necessary in an offense. Nonetheless, the quarterback is confident in his decision.

“I think I’ve accomplished everything I can as part of a team,” Epperly said. “But there’s more for me to do on my own.”

Epperly added that, although he has set NCAA records as a quarterback, he looks forward to breaking new ground with experimental techniques such as passing to himself.

“Sure, I can be the Ivy League’s greatest quarterback as part of the Tigers,” he said. “But could I become its leading receiver, could I set a record for most pancake blocks in a season? Probably not. I need to be out on my own to fully realize my vision.”

The project, tentatively titled “All I Do Is Quinn,” marks the end of one of the most influential Princeton teams in recent memory.

“Quinn leaving has given us all a lot to think about,” junior receiver Seth DeValve said. “Coach [Bob] Surace ’90 says he’d like to keep the team together, but I don’t know. [Former nose tackle] Caraun Reid and I have been thinking this might be the time to finally get serious about our music careers and form our own label.”

It is unclear whether or not Princeton will continue to have a football team after Epperly’s departure.

 

* Just in case you’re a reporter for The Daily Caller looking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.

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