Joke Issue

Eisgruber assigns Class of 2018 to "Marry Smart" with book by Patton '77*

Continuing the tradition of teaching incoming freshmen early on how to ignore their assigned reading, University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 has assigned all members of the class of 2018 to read “Marry Smart: Advice for Finding the Right One at the Right Time” by Susan Patton ’77 before matriculating.

“Patton’s manifesto offers an important lesson to women in the Class of 2018, at a crucial juncture in their lives,” Eisgruber explained in announcing the second-annual ‘pre-read.’ “This is their last chance to land a man and create generations of future donors. Miss it, and they’ll become the next generation of those leaning-in, man-hating harpies who make their intellectually inferior husbands be the primary caretaker of their bratty children.”

“For men in the Class of 2018, this book provides another valuable lesson: Women want you because of your Princeton education. Right now, you’re surrounded by women who are desperate for a man. They have low self-esteem because they don’t have a ring on their finger yet. We envy you. You are at the beginning of a Princeton adventure that will challenge you, thrill you and transform you. Unanticipated possibilities await you,” he added. “I wish I’d taken advantage of that more in my Princeton days.”

The book was chosen over Eisgruber’s own autobiography, “Success — and only success,” after Patton herself pointed out that he had failed at romance while at Princeton (and freshman physics). Eisgruber didn’t meet his wife, Lori Martin, until the two attended University of Chicago Law School.

Several members of the Class of 2018 admitted through the University’s early action program have expressed confusion over where to purchase the book, which is allegedly scheduled for release by Gallery Books in spring 2014. Gallery Books is the name Simon & Schuster uses when it doesn’t want to get blamed for its publications. Specifically, Patton’s book will be published by Threshold Editions. Threshold Editions is the name Gallery Books uses when it doesn’t want to get blamed for its publications.

“I even went to the Threshold Editions website,” Devan Raim ’18 said. “All I saw were books by Glenn Beck, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Herman Cain and my other favorite authors. But is Patton’s book even real?”

* Just in case you’re a reporter for The Daily Caller looking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.

 

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