Joke Issue

Denied liquor license, Arts and Transit Neighborhood to be BYOB *

Students who slog between campus and the Soviet-style wood structure of the temporary Dinky station in the bitter cold will have to pack a bottle if they want to drown their sorrows. The restaurant and cafe set to open in the Arts and Transit Neighborhood will operate under a strict bring-your-own-beverage alcohol policy.

The state’s rejection of the University’s application for a liquor license is the latest in a series of rejecions University officials have faced in their six-year struggle to realize their vision for the Arts and Transit Neighborhood.

“We can’t have intoxicated people stumbling all 460 feet back to the train station totally plastered,” Alcoholic Beverage Control Licensing Bureau officials stated in a press release announcing the decision. “The legal stumbling limit is however wide Washington Road is.”

University officials expressed their disappointment and stubbornly insisted on the project’s success nonetheless.

“Our aim for this project is to unite the campus and the community, to help them both flourish by complementing each other, just like the six and nine in 69,” University Vice President and Secretary Robert Durkee ’69 said. “We thought, ‘What better way to bring together students, faculty, friendly townies and ornery administrators like me than over a round of shots?’ Thanks to the state, now we’ll have to haul the vodka there ourselves.”

Determined to see the project succeed, University Community and Regional Affairs Director Kristin Appelget announced that both ATN dining establishments would be amply stocked with orange juice, cranberry juice and Sprite.

“The University will be providing unlimited vodka shots to guests at our Arts and Transit launch party,” Appelget explained. “I personally will haul 60 cases of Grey Goose all the long, long, long way to our majestic, elegant temporary station for the festivities.”

Public Safety officers will be on hand at the party to ensure that no minors obtain alcohol. Appelget encouraged those under the legal drinking age to purchase NyQuil from campus retail locations to participate in the BYOB practice.

Despite the offers of free booze and Tiger Transit shuttle rides home for the inebriated, opponents of the Arts and Transit Neighborhood declared their intention to boycott the University’s launch party.

“We are never ever ever getting back together [with the University],” Anita Garoniak, founder of local citizens’ group Save the Dinky, said. “This is exactly what the Soviets did: they gave away vodka for free to pacify the people.”

* Just in case you’re a reporter for The Daily Caller looking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.

 

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