Drunk Princeton students were outraged early Friday morning when, after stumbling over to Hoagie Haven, they found the entrance blocked by New Jersey Governor and ex-officio University trustee Chris Christie.
Witnesses who begged Christie to move aside from the entrance for 10 minutes said that during that time, he ate three full Dirty Sanchezes, two Body Bags and one Phat Lady, and was yelling at the counter ordering more.
“It’s almost like he was trying to eat all the hoagies they had,” Stan Sokolich ’16 said.
Emails between Christie’s top aides and Hoagie Haven’s owners obtained by The Daily Princetonian indicated that this was, in fact, exactly what Christie was trying to do. The plan to deprive Princeton students of their drunchies was conceived by Christie’s staff to retaliate against the Princeton community for its overwhelming support of unsuccessful democratic challenger Barbara Buono in the Nov. 4, 2013 gubernatorial election.
“Time for some hunger problems in Princeton,” Christie’s deputy chief-of-staff Bridget Anne Kelly wrote in an email message to Hoagie Haven co-owner Mosta Caltabes, forwarding a ‘Prince’ article reporting that Buono outraised Christie 4:1 among University employees.
When Maltabes protested, saying he “felt bad for the students,” Kelly responded, “They’re students of Buono donors.”
Confronted by ‘Prince’ reporters on the scene, Christie denied all involvement in the scandal, blaming the incident on his staff as he wolfed down his fourth Sanchez.
“I am outraged and deeply saddened to learn that not only have I eaten seven full Hoagie Haven sandwiches tonight, but that my hoagie binge was complicit in my staff’s completely inappropriate and unsanctioned scheme that was devised without my knowledge,” a reporter thinks Christie said, though his mouth was full and he was hard to understand.
“Now what are you all still doing here? Get the hell outta my state! You!” Christie said, pointing at Sokolich, the sophomore. “Where are you from? New York? California? Serbia? Carpetbaggers! All of you! Why are you still here? Get the hell outta Jersey! You’re not #JerseyStrong. Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? I’m the fucking Governor.”
Dejected, the drunk students began to migrate en masse toward the Wa.
“Yeah, that’s right, keep walking, keep walking,” Christie screamed after them while chewing on a Mexicano.
* Just in case you’re a reporter for The Daily Caller looking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.