Joke Issue

Javier, Yates dishonorably discharged from USG after failing to adequately laud Jackson on social media*

Outgoing Undergraduate Student Government Social Chair Carla Javier ’15 and outgoing Campus and Community Affairs Chair Trap Yates ’14 were dishonorably discharged from the USG Friday morning after failing to express appreciation for USG president Shawon Jackson ’15 on their personal social media accounts.

Javier and Yates were the only members of the USG who did not create personal
photo collages of themselves with Jackson and post them to Facebook
with a birthday message. They were also the only members to not “like”
the birthday postings made by others in which Jackson was tagged.

A USG investigation headed by Academics Chair Dillon Sharp ’14 found that
the tagged posts had shown up on Javier’s and Yates’s news feeds, and
that they had received the mass text from Jackson the morning of his
birthday that read “It’s my birthday. So thankful to have all of you
awesome, inspiring people in my life!!!”

In the eyes of the investigating committee, Sharp said, the evidence
supported Jackson’s assertion that Javier and Yates had knowingly
neglected Jackson’s birthday.

Sharp declined to comment on why the academics chair of the USG was tasked with leading the inquest.

“Carla and Trap have dishonored me, this administration, this government, this
University, Barack Obama and indeed this great nation by their
misdeeds,” Jackson said in a statement to The Daily Princetonian.

“It was my birthday,” Jackson added. “Do they just not care? So not awesome.”

All members of USG and class governments have received orders from Jackson —
effective immediately — to “shun” Javier and Yates, Jackson’s office
announced in an email sent to all undergraduate students by Chief
Elections Manager Rachel Nam ’15.

According to the terms of the shun, the USG must avoid eye contact with
Javier and Yates, leave any room either of the two pariahs has entered
and pointedly refuse to “like” their Facebook postings throughout the
month of January.

“I was on vacation,” Javier said, crying, in a phone interview with The
Daily Princetonian. “Time zones are different in Aruba. I forgot! Will
Shawon ever forgive me?”

Yates declined to comment verbally, but directed The Daily Princetonian to a
photograph of himself with faux bear paws on his hands captioned “Fuck
the police.”

Javier is a senior writer for The Daily Princetonian. Yates is a former associate Street editor.

* Just in case you’re a reporter for The Daily Caller looking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.

comments powered by Disqus