A (Realistic) Timeline of Spring Cleaning

11:18 a.m. You’re awake! It only took two snoozes, and you can enjoy this beautiful Sunday — by staying inside and cleaning. You absolutely have to. It’s getting harder and harder to ignore the giant pile of clothes on your floor, and your roommate has started giving you dirty looks, so you’re going to do absolutely everything today: laundry, vacuum, make the bed, dust. You’ll have the most productive spring cleaning day ever!

12:22 p.m. You got a little distracted at brunch, but it’s totally fine. You’ve still got plenty of time. First order of business: laundry. You shove handfuls of clothes into your laundry bags with abandon. It doesn’t really matter if you don’t sort the lights from the darks, right?

12:35 p.m. Wow, you have a lot of clothes. It’s a good thing your mom got you that extra laundry bag “for emergencies” because this sure is an emergency. How have you possibly not run out of clothes yet?!

12:37 p.m. You lug your giant bags to the laundry room, grumbling resentfully the whole way and avoiding eye contact so you won’t have to see people judge you for having so much laundry.

12:39 p.m. Of course. All the washing machines are full; but a couple have finished washing but still have clothes in them. Out of desperation, you start to take the wet clothes out of a machine and pile them on the top. You hear the door opening, and look up slowly. Yes, that is the owner of the machine. Yes, that is his underwear you’re currently holding.

12:45 p.m. You’ve finally stopped blushing and made it back to your room. You set a timer on your phone for 36 minutes exactly so you won’t forget to move along your laundry. Now you’re all ready to get out the vacuum!

1:21 p.m. The timer on your phone suddenly goes off, and you realize you’ve just spent the last 36 minutes looking at gifs of adorable kittens.

1:30 p.m. You’ve successfully moved your laundry to the dryer and managed to avoid seeing Underwear Guy again. Things are looking up! Now, to really vacuum.

1:42 p.m. You did it! You can walk around your room without having to stop and brush tortilla chip crumbs off your feet every few steps! You might have vacuumed up some receipts, but you can just sell that top from Urban Outfitters that fit weirdly on the Free & For Sale Facebook page.

1:56 p.m. Maybe you’ll tackle the pile of papers on your desk while you wait for your laundry to dry.

2:23 p.m. You managed to move the big pile of papers on your desk into several smaller piles without actually getting rid of them or putting any away. You know what, just put them in that weird long drawer that has no purpose. Yeah, that’ll do.

2:35 p.m. You go get your laundry, and it’s still damp. You know it’s your own fault for putting two loads of laundry into one dryer, but you’re still righteously indignant about it. Now you have to wait another hour to get your laundry.

2:40 p.m. You’ve done a lot today. Reward yourself! While you wait for your laundry, go ahead and take a nap. Set an alarm for an hour from now. Your phone will last an hour on 6% battery, right?

6:56 p.m. Your phone battery did not last.

7:02 p.m. You sprinted to the laundry room, only to find your dry clothes mostly in a neat pile on the floor, but with several items randomly scattered around the room.

7:10 p.m. You made it back to your room with (hopefully) all of your clothes. Now it’s time to fold them.

7:45 p.m. It’s going pretty well. You’ve gotten a reasonable amount done, but you are bored out of your mind. Maybe you’ll get out your computer and watch Netflix for some background noise and distraction.

9:46 p.m. It turns out that even though episodes of “Parks & Recreation” are only twenty minutes long, when you watch six of them in a row it still takes up two hours of your life. You’ve folded maybe three shirts during this time.

10:20 p.m. You powered through with minimal Candy Crush breaks, and you finally finished folding all your clothes! Now you just have to put them all away.

10:35 p.m. Your roommate just came in. She has the juiciest, most dramatic story to tell you!

10:59 p.m. Her story turned out not to be that dramatic, but it was very long, and you had to listen to all of it and then reassure her that she’d done the right thing.

11:45 p.m. You made it through with the help of an upbeat playlist that you spent 15 minutes making. Your clothes are all away! Your room looks so much bigger now.

11:50 p.m. You could dust your dresser or catch up on readings for class, but wouldn’t it be better to be well rested for your 9 a.m. class tomorrow? You’ve been so tired recently, and you’ll function better with a full night’s sleep.

12:10 a.m. You settle into your still-unmade bed, blow some dust off your dresser and feel accomplished. You did laundry and vacuumed today. You’re so productive!

12:13 a.m. Spring cleaning is overrated anyway.

comments powered by Disqus