Malkiel to cap Iraqi insurgents at 35 percent
Reacting to criticism from both Republicans and Democrats on his "New Way Forward in Iraq," President Bush has called on senior University officials to design a new strategy for the troubled nation.
Bush has tapped Wilson School dean Anne-Marie Slaughter '80, President Tilghman and Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel to assist Petraeus in implementing his new initiative, codenamed "Under Allah she flourishes."
Malkiel expressed confidence in the new operation, which she hopes will cap casualties at 35 percent of current levels.
"We believe that once Iraq implements the policy, peer nations like Syria, Lebanon and Iran will follow suit," Malkel argued.
Firing back, former USG President Alex Lenahan posted a 40,000-word letter on Al-Jazeera's website arguing that today's insurgents were smarter than their predecessors and should not be penalized.
"U.S. Special Forces have already picked off the really stupid ones," Lenahan said. "The ones still raising hell are the best of the best. There is no casualty inflation. There's a real corpse behind every statistic."
Responsibility for carrying out the new operation falls to Associate Dean of Undergraduate Students Hillary Herbold, who has been placed in charge of Baghdad Security.
"A lot of media focuses on IED explosions and sectarian violence in the capital," Herbold explained, "but the Princeton Study Group found prosecutions for 'noise complaints' and alcohol violations are unacceptably low."
Bush said he chose Herbold because the Disciplinary Committees' style of arbitrary sentencing and inattention to evidence will be familiar to Iraqis accustomed to Ba'athist justice.
The Eating Club system will be used as a model to build a unified Iraq.
"The divisions among Iraq's ethnic and religious groups are really irrational," Petraeus explained. Young Iraqis will now enter a sign-in system to determine their sectarian allegiance. Al-Qaeda, Shiite militias and Baathist insurgents will conduct week-long Bicker sessions to recruit members.
"I'm looking forward to the cocktail parties," said one angry young man. "That, and becoming a martyr."
Other proposals include settling ethnic confluct with a bout of Cane wrestling between former Baathists, Moqtada Al-Sadr's militias and the Iraqi Police Cadets.
This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.
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